'Better Off Ted' last night: Two episodes, one great show, many Veronica-isms

ABC, intent on wiping Better Off Ted from our memories as quickly as possible, ran two new episodes of Ted between two super-mediocre episodes of Scrubs last night.

The first Ted, about the staff being worked to death (literally, in one case) wasn’t quite as funny as usual, which means it was only 425 times funnier than your average Two and a Half Men. Actually, the first one was pretty hilarious, as I look at my notes. When someone cradles your chin in his or her hands, you can now call it “a beard of fingers.” And Veronica’s line, “No one knows how many licks it takes to get to my moral center” was marvelous.

The second episode was instant-classic material. From an uncharacteristically-nervous Ted fighting off spiders nesting in his immaculate hair to Phil trying to demonstrate a new public-address system gadget to Veronica, it was great:

More Veronica-isms last night:

• “I’d like to unhinge my jaw and swallow you like a mouse.”

• “I would like to unsubscribe to whatever you’re doing right now.”

• “If someone’s bothering you, change them.”

As well as the latest Veridian company slogan: “Friendship. It’s the same as stealing.”

There was, I’m afraid, the use of the word “douche” at least four times: Quick, call The New York Times!

And Ted and Veronica’s duet on “I Got You Babe” was completely, unironically sweet, don’t you think?