'Hell's Kitchen' and 'MasterChef' premieres: Gordon Ramsay presents f---ing Monday nights on Fox

Why would anyone eat at Hell’s Kitchen? Nobody ever gets their food. Is there a decoy staff that actually cooks things backstage or does the well-dressed (or if you want my real opinion: slutty and annoying) “audience” just head home hungry? I must look into this.

Chef Gordon Ramsay (“YES, CHEF”) has swooped back in to completely dominate summer Mondays with the season premieres of Hell’s Kitchen and MasterChef. One show will make you pat yourself on the back for not swearing in the last 30 seconds, and the other will make you cry. Marvel as Ramsay switches gears from “This f���ing pigeon [is so raw it] could fly” and “You treated those scallops like a homeless rat” on Hell’s Kitchen to STANDING UP AND HUGGING the first featured “home cook” on MasterChef: a 19-year-old college freshman named Michael who’d just come out to his dad before trying out for the show. Plus, a blind woman made it through. Seriously? I’ll borrow some of Ramsay’s words from HK and attempt to apply them to MC with a positive spin: “Shut it down and f—ing clean up.” This was awesome!

Hell’s Kitchen is as reliably ridiculous as ever, with chefs who somehow made it onto the show despite still not knowing how to cook a f—ing scallop, probably so that it’s easier for Ramsay to scream at them for being such morons. Season 10 “promises to be the most physical ever,” a boast which underscores what this “cooking” show is really about: DRAMA. Within the first five minutes, sous chef Scott had the contestants worried they’d be forced to shave their heads. (Turned out the first two volunteers were just friends of his.)

Did anyone else wonder if Gordon Ramsay was slyly attempting to out-Tim Gunn Tim Gunn — who famously uttered “What happened to Andre?” on Project Runway — when he entered on the balcony and asked “What the f— happened to Andy?” Nice try.

Anyway, if you’re still into Hell’s Kitchen, season 10’s got everything: a fat man named Clemenza, a loudmouth from Nutbush, a black woman named Barbie, “the best orgasm ever,” and a guy who looks and sounds like Tony Dovolani from Dancing With the Stars.

Literally his name is “Guy.”

Tavon, a 22-year-old “executive chef” (perhaps only in his imagination) from D.C., was the first to head home on Hell’s Kitchen. He failed at cooking squab, slicing scallops, and being a team player. “I have on white skinny jeans,” he complained after the men’s team had to clean up after the women’s team won the first challenge. “Like, I just don’t wanna.” See ya.

I’d never tuned into MasterChef before, and this is likely the one I’ll keep watching — at least tomorrow (both premieres are two-nighters). The opening scene of Gordon and the judges addressing the masses of “home cooks” was full-on Oprah-giving-away-s— melodrama, with everyone waving their arms in ecstatic agony and bawling desperately re: the mere opportunity to be on television. My love for reality TV that makes me cry is well-documented, and tonight I lost it a total of five times. One of the cheftestants — Christina, 32, who’s lost her vision gradually over the past 10 years — even made glare-master judge Joe Bastianich cry. Well, he was just shaking in his seat, on the precipice of a full-out body sob or maybe just a sneeze, but still. He got emotional.

Who’s your favorite MasterChef contestant so far? Mine is definitely Josh, a seven-foot-tall former basketballer who “transitioned from hoopin’ to cookin'” and — you guessed it — cried after judge Graham Elliot called his Shrimp Etouffee “a slam dunk.” He’s got a great personality. It’s not that I just want to keep looking at him. Definitely not.

Will you tune in tomorrow? Are you crying right now? Why aren’t you crying?

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