'Pretty Little Liars' react: The old college try... and fail

Hanna has been kicking us off every episode this season – but usually with witty banter or dessert shirts. This time, it was with a blood curdling scream that got my heart racing. Her nightmare about her mother in an orange prison jumpsuit with her hair missing in patches was also… alarming.

In the Hastings home, Spencer draws a parallel to her sister and the city she now inhabits. Beautiful, but cold. Poor Spencer isn’t going to get into any college with her time spent at Radley hanging over her head – unless she solicits the help of a college admissions expert who specializes in problem cases.

Can I just ask, what time do the girls start school? They seem to always have time for breakfast, coffee, high-intensity chats, all before homeroom. I started high school at 7:45, unless I had choir practice in the morning around 6:30. Let’s just say I wasn’t up early, looking to socialize and grab a bite. And I never looked as good as the Liars, either. (I know, I know – it’s TV.)

College problems are happening with Emily too – she is only average without her swimming career. Will any of these girls ever be able to leave Rosewood? (Obviously we don’t want them to, or there goes our show.)

In true PLL fashion, a clue is revealed by Spencer’s photographic memory and Aria having the perfect piece to complete the puzzle – the number the bird was singing was a college in nearby York County. And hey, guess what weekend it is? College visit weekend.

Bees! That’s a new one – and makes it official that the moms are A’s target – one by one she’s taking them down. Low blow, A. Nobody messes with moms and gets away with it.

The blond college admissions wizard is freaky tall. And of course – predictably – I don’t trust him.

Ashley Marin and Councilor Hastings are both so professional in their power suits and hushed tones … I was waiting for Ashley to actually tell the story of what happened between she and Wilden but Veronica didn’t even want to hear it. What about what we, the viewers want, Veronica? Huh? What about us?

I keep waiting for Mike to turn into Jeremy from The Vampire Diaries and get all hot and helpful and involved in the secret world his sister inhabits. Nope. He just plays video games. I don’t like him at all. How dare he bring Fitz up in front of Aria.

I really miss the days of listening in on phone calls from a different extension. Cell phones have truly ruined many of the joys of phones. Although there was that time I was silently on a three-way cell phone call with my best friend while she broke up with her boyfriend over the phone – for moral support. Anyway, I digress.

After requesting that Ashley come over in the morning to discuss her case in person, things sound bad, and Veronica Hastings is certainly no drama queen. Hanna is though, and she is freaking out. She can’t reach her boyfriend, her mom’s muddy shoes are missing and her closet is locked.

Outfit Watch: Aria’s striped pink tiger sweater. Spencer’s “college visit” preppy ensemble with all its patterns. Both amazing.

So! There is indeed a gun in Ashley’s closet. Wrapped in a silk scarf, because any Marin girl would know how to accessorize her firearm. Now it lives in Hanna’s purse … that doesn’t seem good.

Spencer, oh Spencer – how did I know you were a secret geek who loves fantasy (or, okay, has a working knowledge of it enough to manipulate the fellow with the punny pi shirt). Although her new friend accuses her of having “the crazy eyes,” he still helps her out, revealing that the bird’s song is indeed a phone number that likely originates in Greek row. Sounds like the exact place Ali would spend her time.

Two of our Liars are getting a real taste of college – brutal honesty. Spencer accuses Emily of leading on the College Admissions Wizard, conveniently leaving out the fact that she is gay. And Emily literally calls Spencer a “snot rag.” Woah girls, you’re not even roommates forced to share tight quarters and the stress of homesickness, finals and hangovers together! Save it for college! Their fight is broken up by a creepy, creepy chorus of marriage-hungry sorority sisters.

The gun has arrived at the party, via Hanna’s giant pink bag. From my limited knowledge, I think it looked like the barrel was empty, so let’s rule out any horrific gun accidents.

I don’t think Spencer is going to like college very much. She wants people to act more grown up, not less. When those two drunk girls push her into the wall, she looks like she is going to crazy-eyes-murder them. However, the shove proves to be fortuitous, for it exposes … a room with one bare lightbulb and a pink corded phone. It’s the phone from the song. The bird’s song.

The poor Wizard is striking out with Emily, sighing dejectedly when she bails on him to find Hanna. When he followed her outside I had these huge warning signs flashing in my head – then he paused between “parties” and “out of control” and the knowing look in his eyes … this better end well for Emily. She tells the Wizard she has a girlfriend. She’s had enough. But then someone follows her through the woods. Could it be A? Or, a d-bag in a hood who sprays her with silly string. Ugh. College.

So of course Hanna takes the worst possible course of action (burying a gun using a beer mug – genius) and of course it backfires – but how the hell did the cops know how to find her, who she was, that she had the gun … A, you sneaky bitch, you. How’s she going to get out of this one? Hanna is going to jail!

(Were we meant to think that was Melissa in the final “A does something weird” scene, since she had tea and cakes and it all seemed a bit British? Perhaps she didn’t go to London after all?)

So we’re moving forward in a big way here. We’ve solved the birdy phone number, we’ve exposed a possible murder weapon, and we’re seeing the Marin girls get into some mighty big trouble. What’s the deal? Where will it all lead? Let’s chat in the comments, or you can tweet me (link above). Maybe we can solve this thing if we work together.