'The Hills' recap: You've got a friend

‘The Hills’ recap: You’ve got a friend

I’m back in full Hills TV Watch action after spending a few days last week in L.A., where I covered the chaotic and controversial MTV Video Music Awards show for the magazine. (Special thanks to Lesley Savage for holding down the fort in my absence!) The trip wouldn’t have been complete if I didn’t have a run in with some of our pals, so if you’re looking for further amusement during a long school or work day, check out my extremely deep chat with Spencer and Heidi on the red carpet.

It seems like a lot has happened since we last met: Brody and Doug put someone in “jail,” Justin Bobby expressed his feelings about ulcers, She-Pratt’s history with illegal substances was confirmed, Lauren and Audrina made up — what’s really left for us viewers to psychoanalyze and bitch about now that so much has been cleared up? Well, ignoring the fact that Stephanie admitted yet another risqué part of her history last night (“I secretly had my tongue pierced once”), and that whoever does the subtitles at MTV probably should have run a spell-check program (“secretly” was actually displayed as “secretely.” Go back and check your DVR for proof), it looks like a new scandal (a relative term here, people) is brewing in The Hills, and it comes in the form of another blond sibling betraying Speidi’s Rules of Sisterhood: Holly.

Last night’s episode began with Holly asking Heidi to hit the town with her. Heidi, ever the diligent Bolthouse employee that she is, turned her big sis down because she had to “like work tomorrow.” After mentioning that she doesn’t know a lot of people in L.A., Holly then dropped the L-bomb in front of Spencer, who replied in his standard sarcastic tone, “Yeah, you should totally hang out with Lauren. She’s really cool.” I so wish that instead of standing there like a bump on a log, Holly would’ve said to Spencer, “Aw, you think? I really do like that Lauren Conrad. How about we have her over for a pot-luck dinner?” No such luck. Spencer eventually walked out while Heidi’s lips remained too pursed to form complete sentences.

Holly wasted no time texting Lauren, who expressed her concerns to Whitney about the idea of a reunion. “I love her,” Lauren said. “She was one of my really good friends. I just don’t want to cause more problems.” I found myself nodding (yes, at my TV) when I heard this admission. It was a mature thought coming from someone who’s been selfish and a bit narrow-minded in the past. Of course, our resident Dalai Lama, Whitney, saw the glass-half-full side of things. She told her pal to embrace the friendship despite the fact that Holly’s a Montag. “You can’t escape from it. That’s just the way it goes.” Obviously Whit doesn’t quite grasp the idea that you can most certainly escape your enemies when they’re not being paid to be in the same reality show as you.

(Speaking of which, Whitney’s spin-off is rumored to be titled The City. How very original. Makes you wonder how the creative meeting between the MTV execs went down. Here’s how I imagined it: “Uh, how about we call it Hollywood Goes New York?” “No, no. I got it! Whitney in the City.” “This one’s golden: Whitney’s Revolution.” “People, please. We’re veering off course. We need something simple, something easy to spell, and something that really says Manhattan. [30-second thoughtful pause] That’s it, we’ll call it The City!”)

NEXT: BFs someday?

Lauren took Whit’s advice and met up with Holly outside Amandine Patisserie for lunch, and while I’m sure there were some really important words exchanged between the two long-lost pals that I probably should’ve paid attention to (Uh, did someone say three musketeers? Why the heck weren’t the camera people around back then?), I was too busy focusing on how incredibly high Lauren’s heels were instead. Those platforms had to be at least five inches, if not more! Don’t get me wrong, they’re cute, but how in the world does she traipse around L.A. all day in such staggeringly high heels? Better yet, how does she evade the paparazzi in them? Is it sad that dissecting footwear has become more interesting than dissecting conversations that bring up the great Lauren-Heidi dissolution? No? Didn’t think so.

The next day, Heidi took time from her busy life to catch up with her sister, who she apparently hadn’t seen in “forever” (because, you know, that apartment is so big). Following that statement, it made no sense for Heidi to jump on Holly’s back for not telling her that she’d had lunch with Lauren the day before — after all, the sibs had been incommunicado, right? “You’re my best friend and my sister, and you didn’t want to tell me?” Heidi whined. “You just kind of went behind my back and did that?” If we recall correctly, Heidi, your sister did mention that she was thinking about calling Lauren. Holly ultimately calmed Heidi’s fake anger down (yes, don’t we all just love how easily influenced she is when Spencer’s not around to control her?) by reporting that she thinks Lauren misses her.

Cue the awkwardly forced montage of Lauren and Stephanie at school, and Heidi and her co-worker Kimberly at lunch, all discussing the carefree and fun era of the three musketeers. Then go ahead and cue your eye rolls. Sure, both parties sounded mostly sincere when they were reminiscing about their friendship, and Heidi sounded more genuine than she had about anything else in a long time when she said, “Maybe one day by, you know, like a miracle we’ll be friends again.” Yet I still wanted to scream (yes, again at the TV) instead of grab Kleenex and cry. At this point, I could care less if these girls are ever friends again. I would just really like for them to either act on it or stop the incessant back-and-forth chatter about it. God knows I’m drained just from typing about it every week, so I can only imagine how they feel.

Over in that other erratic land known as Audrina and Justin Bobby’s relationship, the couple seemed to have reached a level of normalcy during dinner at the Amalfi Ristorante. J. Bobby performed his boyfriend duty by telling Audrina she looked pretty and complimenting her dress (which, as she pointed out, was actually a skirt, causing him to exclaim, “Oh yeah, wow. You could’ve fooled me!” Hilarious. I wonder what he’s like during a magic show). He also inquired about her roommate situation and said he’d go to her work event the next night for the band the White Tie Affair. “If it’s going to benefit you, I’ll go for sure,” he declared. Famous last words: The scruffy-faced dude never showed up, nor did he ever return Audrina’s calls that night. I wasn’t surprised by his actions, and she didn’t seem to be either, which begs the question, why stay with such a deadbeat? I thought we’d covered this territory last season.

It’s your turn to vent, comment, and express your opinions below, TV Watchers. Tell me: Do you think Holly will be the magical key to get Lauren and Heidi back together as best friends again? Do you think the show overuses the phrase “best friends”? (I definitely do). What would you have named Whitney’s spin-off? Finally, are you as excited as I am that next week we’ll finally get to see She-Pratt’s date with Doug? (Though, given that it’s been reported recently that Holly’s been hanging out with him, I’m not so sure Stephanie’s the one we should keep our eye on.)