'Jane the Virgin' recap: Season 5, Episode 12

Blowups. We all experience them, right? There comes a point when the tension finally gets to us and our minds are forced to make a decision. Do we handle the building stress elegantly and diffuse the pressure with rational thinking and well-suited plans? Or do we retaliate with guttural screams and copious amounts of chocolate?

I choose chocolate.

Jane has a different tactic: Practice makes progress. And even though Mateo is super excited to participate in his school’s musical production, he must press through his inability to focus and concentrate on the mechanics of a dancing and singing tree.

Unfortunately, this method does not stick with Mateo at practice. Instead of swaying his branches, Mateo pretends to be a helicopter. His whirling body slams into the set decoration of actual trees and they all come tumbling down. Rafael is there to witness the meltdown. He hears all the kids in Mateo class ridicule him and berate the boy for ruining everything.

When Jane arrives at Rafael’s work later that day with a list of “must haves” for her new apartment, she’s met with a somber face. Mateo has been kicked out of the musical for disrupting rehearsal. Rafael sadly suggests that it’s time to put Mateo on medication for his ADHD.

Jane balks, reminding Rafael that they agreed to more time. Rafael gently reminds her that this is not just one bad day. It’s a pattern and it’s getting worse. They make a compromise that they will reevaluate the situation in two weeks. And then Jane offers to talk to the teacher to try and get Mateo back on the call sheet.

Jane and Rafael fold into each other, sitting face-to-face with their foreheads touching. They exhale, knowing that life is tough. Thank goodness they have each other. And Julie.

Wait, who’s Julie?

Julie is the CW darling Sophia Bush. Say hello to the woman Rafael is dating.

Jane and I are heartbroken. And because this show finally found its rhythm, Jane goes directly to Petra for advice, which I love. She explains that Rafael’s new relationship threw her for a loop. Petra smooths things over by admitting that she didn’t know Rafael had a new girlfriend. This news lifts Jane’s spirits. Maybe Julie isn’t such a big deal after all?

Petra perks up at her mention of Julie. She has heard the name. Tons of times! Petra just thought Julie was Rafael’s co-worker! They quickly stalk this Julie woman on Instagram and confirm that she is indeed extra beautiful and perfect. Jane bemoans that Petra is so lucky that her ex isn’t around to rub her new girlfriend in Petra’s face all day.

Wait, JR has a new girlfriend?

Who knows? It was a figure of speech. TO THE INSTAGRAM! Jane and Petra lean over JR’s now private account and analyze the tiny little thumbnail profile pic which clearly features two women. Jane leaves Petra mopey and depressed.

She heads to Mateo’s school to beg his teacher to let him back in the play. Although Mateo’s ADHD is not an excuse, it is an explanation for his behavior. What if Jane learned the dance and taught it to Mateo at home? Then he could just perform the routine the night of the play!

The teacher agrees and Jane steps in to show her son how to properly be a tree. Mateo is on to his mother. He wants to practice with his friends and hates that he has been separated from the group. Luckily the dance queen herself is there to step in and save the day.

Xo explains to Mateo that he needs to be the best singing tree in all the land. Mateo deadpans that trees don’t sing. Or dance. And Xo all but laughs at him. Anything is possible in the theater!

Xo goes all Fosse on Mateo while Jane takes her mother’s phone to check Julie’s Instagram. She is shocked to find that Julie posted, “When your boyfriend’s baby mama is a stage 5 clinger.”

This isn’t One Tree Hill, Sophia. Why you gonna do that to my girl Jane?

Jane immediately calls Petra. Should she say something? Write a note? Retaliate? Petra commands that her friend shut up and be normal. Refrain from acting crazy. Be the bigger person.

Petra is really good at that last part. She’s been practicing it nonstop since she invited Krishna back into her life. Petra minds her manners and even smiles when Krishna informs her boss that she no longer picks up dry cleaning. It’s too bad that Krishna is secretly a bad person working for Milos. He has threatened to sell the Marbella unless Petra tells the authorities that the break-in was an accident. Petra opts to reiterate that Milos is psychotic and dangerous.

Speaking of dangerous, Rogelio is convinced River is out to kill him. She’s a little too nice. And she’s insistent he eats the cupcakes she baked, which surely are laced with arsenic. Of course, there’s also that light that just happened to fall from the ceiling, nearly hitting his perfectly coiffed hair. The revenge suspense is killing him!

So Rogelio goes on defense by hiring a big, bulky bodyguard named Laird. His one job? Keep his eyes peeled for anything suspicious. And especially keep an eye on River.

Across town, Jane leaves Rafael’s office after scouting a few (unlivable) apartments. Julie is there and immediately jumps to the conclusion that something is going on between Rafael and Jane. Julie admits that she had a vibe when Jane and Rafa (that’s not his nickname, Julie) were forehead linked the day before. There’s also the waving red flag that is Jane’s mom watching Julie’s Instagram stories.

Jane assures Julie that nothing is going on. In fact, she tells her arch nemesis that Rafael is really into Julie. He talks about her all the time! Way to be the bigger person, Jane!

Later, Rafael does find the perfect efficiency apartment for Jane. Other than the faint smell of weed, it should be a viable option for her new home. Now that that’s out of the way, Rafael has some other business. Did Jane talk to Julie? Did she meddle in his personal business?

Jane promises that she did nothing of the sort. Julie approached her and she sang Rafael’s praises. She encouraged Julie to date Rafael with all the freedom in the world!

Rafael’s head drops. He’s not angry. Just a little annoyed. Why? Because he does not like Julie. HOORAY!!!

Rafael heads to the door to go put in the paperwork for the apartment, but the knob falls off in his hand. While they wait for someone to come with a key, they make a list of all the things Rafael wants in a future mate. Jane fits about half of those attributes. She smiles at Rafael and encourages him to call Julie and give her a chance.

Sweet Jane’s glowing heart fades. Once again, she calls Petra, but this time she suggests they go out and dip their toes in the dating waters of Miami. A few twenty-somethings buy the ladies shots and quickly move on to the next available bachelorettes when Jane asks if they like children. They laugh about how the game has changed (and their ages) and partake in several servings of tequila. Both encourage the other that they will one day meet The One.

Do you know who may have met The One? River. Guess who is falling head over heels in love with Laird? Rogelio is livid when he finds his bodyguard in River’s dressing room. She admits that she’s been toying with Rogelio’s mind, watching his worry wrinkles deepen. Although River never had a master plan to take Rogelio down, she let him think she did!

She’s been delighted to watch Rogelio torture himself these weeks and is ready to call it even. Rogelio fires Laird. River makes out with her new boy toy. And Xo congratulates herself for thinking to call Darcy to find a man for River. Xo is a genius.

The night of the musical arrives and Mateo slays the show. During the big finish, a baby begins crying in the audience and Mateo loses his mind on stage. He shouts for the baby to be quiet, ruining the entire performance. Jane and Rafael’s hearts are ripped to shreds when Mateo quietly confesses that he “doesn’t want to be this way anymore.” They both agree that it’s time for medication.

The next day Jane gets a message from Rafael to meet her. I knew something wonderful was going to happen when Jane arrived in a billowy yellow sundress. Rafael realized that when he was getting the apartment paperwork ready, he didn’t want Jane to move in. He has one deal breaker with Julie and her name is JANE.

He’s still in love with her. He’s tried to get over her, but he can’t. And he doesn’t want to try anymore. FINALLY.

There’s a big kiss, two chests with glowing hards, and a big musical number, complete with singing and dancing trees.

“Suck it, Julie” was not a song in the big musical number, but it should have been.

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