Mistresses recap: What Could Have Been

Warning: Mistresses will be using the old Sliding Doors device for this week’s episode. More specifically, what would Joss’ life have been like if she hadn’t run from Scott on her wedding day and started making out furiously with Harry? What then?

Cause in this reality, she’s getting processed through the LAPD jail and it doesn’t look fun in the slightest.

Her support crew—Harry, April, and Karen—meet with handsome lawyer David, whom Harry takes an instant alpha male dislike. Figures. This scene is worth mentioning because it turns out only family can visit Joss in jail and so where on earth is Savi? The show seems to be painting itself into a bit of a corner when it comes to Savi—like, there’s no way they can Alyssa Milano to show up for something, right? So instead we get weird lines about Savi being unreachable in an ashram in India. (Apparently, she really is taking a page out of the Eat Pray Love handbook.)

Joss’ lawyer tells her that things have gone real wrong: Everyone loves a sensational story apparently and the Single White Female story line Calista spun last week has taken root. Also Joss’ ex-girlfriend Alex (you guys, remember her?) has unwittingly backed up this whole thing by telling them about their whirlwind romance. I appreciate Mistresses being so willing to acknowledge their past weird story lines.

Joss tells her cellmate, a very friendly arsonist that it’s a long story as to how she ended up in the slammer but thinks that the reason she’s currently being “punished” is for leaving Scott. And here we begin our first Sliding Doors fantasy: She and Scott are in a limo and he’s apparently taken care of all the arrangements and they’re going someplace amazing for their honeymoon. This is a good fantasy!

Oh boy, speaking of tough realities: Karen is pregnant. Raise your hand if you saw that one coming! She explains to April that she missed a pill and we unfortunately have to learn that Alec has an allergy to latex. (Guys, PSA: Please don’t try this latex allergy thing as an excuse not to wear condoms. With the exception of Karen, we’re on to you.) She’s still in love with her couple and thinks maybe she should carry the baby and just hand it over? This seems like a bad plan.

Marc and April chat in the kitchen. Marc is all hey, jail isn’t so bad. He apparently spent a little quality time there after mistakenly soliciting a prostitute. Marc! Marc! Marc! He then makes a surprising Malcolm Gladwell reference and follows that with a list of suggestions for Joss in jail, which includes faking a disease that involves blistering. April calls someone else entirely and asks for help.

Back in the Sliding Doors land, Scott buys Calista’s house for Joss on a whim (ugh) and calls it their forever home. Barf. I mean, awesome! He leaves and she answers the phone and it’s Savi. Hmm. Score one point to alterna-reality.

Back in real reality: Harry doesn’t trust the lawyer Joss has one bit. But he’s distracted by Ari, the wild-haired agent who wants to make him a star. She’s throwing a fancy benefit where it’s 50k per table and she wants Harry to cater it. Harry blows her off cause it’s nuts to close the restaurant down on a Friday.

Yet next time we check in on them, Ari has managed to get sleezeball owner Ellis to agree. Harry still tries to get out of it: His head is a mess, he’s not where he should be for an event like this. She tells him in no uncertain terms that she doesn’t care about his personal life, but about his career.

Karen goes over to see Vivian—Alec is nowhere to be found because the couple just had a major fight and he stormed off. Turns out that things are not working without Karen’s involvement and Vivian is considering leaving Alec.

This throws Karen for a loop. When she talks to April, she admits about how scary it would be to have to raise the baby, but she’s 38 (hey, show: pump the brakes, will you?) and you know blah blah blah last chance. April tells her she will help her. Stop fishing for season 4, you guys!

NEXT: Guess who is back? (No, not Savi)

Meanwhile, we figure out who April called: and it’s hot cop Daniel from last season. I love this guy!! Where has he been? Oh my goodness, Daniel, I miss you. Don’t leave us again.

April fills him in regarding Joss’ situation: Daniel is all, listen, tough times, but I’m so happy to see you. He asks for her dinner. GO APRIL GO. She downgrades it to lunch. Ugh, April!

Are you ready to have more from Joss’ Fantasy Road Not Taken? She’s a rich kept lady and her biggest decision is whether to vacation on the Amalfi Coast or Greece. Sounds good to me! But nothing gold can stay, and before you know it, Scott is sort of pushing Joss to just concentrate on the nursery, and isn’t that more important? She’s all, slow your roll. She has an important job interview. He says cool about 10,000 times which means not cool at all, of course.

Daniel and April have a lovely lunch in a beautiful garden. Daniel is liking his post cop life. He’s taking art classes. He brings up all their sexy art sessions. He tells her he missed her every day. She missed him, too. Duh, of course. Look at him! He talks to some former cops buddies and tells April they should take a ride. I’ll say.

Joss’ arsonist cellmate (bless her) doesn’t think Scott sounds all that great. Joss continues with the fantasy (cue Wayne’s World): Joss takes a meeting with (drumroll) Ellis. Even in fantasy land there are only five people living in LA I guess. Harry walks in and they grin at each other and, let’s just say this: THE LOVE IS SO REAL. The job is to turn Wunderbar into an after-dark nightclub. Like the Peach Pit? No, more like Studio 54. It’s perfect for Joss.

But when she goes and tells Scott about the job she says she turned it down. Scott is being super wonderful and supportive. He’s a fantasy, after all! She thinks a better idea is to stop taking the pill. Oh brother.

In real life, Ari is freaking out, and tearing around and yelling at Harry and they end up fighting over who owes whom a favor. Annoying all around.

Karen goes to her priest to tell him everything and spill all her complicated feelings. This brings us to BY FAR the best line of this episode. Are you ready? Said with all the sincerity in the world: “Yes, Father: It’s called a Thrupple.”

Pause for greatness.

He counsels her to have the baby and give it up for the adoption and quite certainly offends her as she realizes that her priest friend is not as progressive as we all thought… She says she’ll tell the child he/she was convinced out of pure love. She heads home with some pre-natal vitamins and What To Expect When You’re Expecting. Take that priest-y!

April and Daniel sit in the car and they’re watching Calista’s gates. Daniel says the cops are convinced Joss is guilty—but then cops tend to build a narrative and not bother doing anything else. April bats her eyes at Daniel and asks why he’s going through so much trouble on behalf of little old her. He tells her it’s because April is the love of her life. Uh, April? Can you please close this deal?

And then she does: They go back to her place and tear each other’s clothes off. Hooray!

Oh no, but in the morning she finds his phone stuck inside some sofa sex cushion and this fool doesn’t even have a passcode. April starts scrolling through his contacts and texts. Oh, April! Never snoop: You will ALWAYS find something bad. Always.

When he shows up the next day: She’s like, listen this can’t ever work. I will never trust you. Poor Daniel. She also tells him she actually has a man. This is tough and a huge mistake, April! Daniel takes it well and hands over a flash drive that might help Joss. DANIEL COME BACK.

Back at the fancy benefit at Wunderbar, Ari gets up and tells the very sweet story about how her sister died of breast cancer a year ago. Harry has a ooh-you’re-not-a-monster-after-all realization and it shows. Hey, show: Do not try to get these two together. When Ari is overwhelmed, Harry steps in and finishes her speech and it’s very sweet.

Back to Joss and her new bestie, the arsonist: We go back to the other, parallel universe and see Joss going crazy and being a weirdo Stepford bride. She then runs to buy champagne and sees Harry and they start making out. I know this is just a fantasy segment, but it made me feel happy. Her cellmate—who I wonder if she’s resentful that she’s just a plot device—is all, yeah, you’re an idiot.

But before we explore that… Joss has a visitor and it’s her lawyer with the new evidence!