Mistresses finale recap: Goodbye Girl

Guys, we did it: We’ve arrived at the final episode of this roller coaster of a season. And, I’m not going to lie: the way that this episode ends makes me think that this show will be getting a fourth season, but what if it doesn’t? We will have to use this space to create our own happy endings for everyone. Except Vivian, of course. But I guess I’m getting ahead of myself.

We begin on a glorious note: Joss getting released from prison! She can’t seem to believe it either, looking dumbfounded as she gets processed out to the appropriate soundtrack, “What Went Down” by the Foals. She happens to pass Calista going in as she’s going out (surely jails don’t work like this, right?), but who cares? The gates open and Harry is waiting for her and they have a very satisfying hug.

April talks to Joss on the phone and a smile turns into a frown when Marc comes in. He asks if she wants to talk about him slipping off the wagon. She wants to be sure that he wasn’t drinking in the house or with the kids. They fight a little bit. He doesn’t understand why she’s taking it so personally. I don’t think she does either.

Meanwhile, Vivian’s liver has failed and Alec freaks out. He doesn’t understand how Vivian is so suddenly in dire straits and Karen confesses that they were keeping this news from him. He is very much not pleased about this. He tells her to make like a tree and leave.

Oh, here we go: Joss and Harry are having hot post-jail sex and everything is awesome. They both agree. She’s also enjoying the indoor plumbing. Harry finds out that The! Rocco! DiSpirito! wants to meet with him in the morning. Joss is super enthused and wants to attack life. He wants to know if she wants to talk about stuff. She asks if she can be a dude and John Wayne her feelings. Feel you, bro.

Meanwhile at the jailhouse, Calista sends her lawyer away. She asks some blonde hardened criminal to “get it” for her and hands her some cash. Hmmm.

Joss, back with the gang, stands on a restaurant chair—why, who knows—to propose a toast to her lady friends. She sweetly thanks them for their support. They all want to know what the hell happened. Joss seems to not know how she got sprung from jail. Karen is distracted thinking about Vivian in the hospital. She thinks this might be it and her friends encourage her to go to Vivian’s bedside. April tells Joss about her and Marc’s fight. She’s mad he didn’t confide in her. We know it’s because she, like, loves him and hasn’t come to terms with it.

Then, it’s a sad goodbye scene between Scotty and Lucy and Marc and co. Marc looks gutted. Scotty doesn’t looks psyched he’s moving to Vegas, which no, he should not be. There’s an awkward moment between Miranda and April and then Miranda drops yet another bomb: He’s clearly in love with April. “How did you not see that?” Yeah, April!

Wow, Rocco DiSpirito really is on this show! And he’s PERFECT. He and Harry have an interview — which Harry completely crushes by telling his origin story love affair with food, and it is indeed very sweet. Rocco is completely charmed. Harry finds out that the job is not a web series, but a network show that would involve starting immediately and traveling through Europe for the next year. Oh show, what are you doing to Joss and Harry? What are you doing to me?

Joss took herself out on a little shopping spree and is delighted when Harry lets her know that the interview went well. Harry suggests they go meet at the house for inspections. She says she’s on her way but is stopped by a welcome home gift basket from… Calista? This seems strange. She is most definitely freaked out.

Karen creeps nervously into Vivian’s room, admitting she was nervous about seeing Alec. Vivian says he’s been staying away, trying to find a new donor or cash in on favors. Karen asks what she can do. Poor Vivian, this is all happening so fast. She asks to feel Karen’s stomach (after a weird moment talking about boob tenderness) and this is all a little too sad, Mistresses!

Joss goes to her lawyer, (sidenote: am I the only one who thought they were setting us up for some big reveal about David the lawyer?) asking for a restraining order. When he, rather reasonably, points out that Calista is in jail and not a danger, she explains that she thinks Calista is trying to get in her head. He tells her he’ll take care of it. Back in jail, fellow blonde inmate breaks her broom and gives it to Calista. Methinks this would not happen at a high level security prison, but what the hell do I know; and in the grand scheme of things on this show, this isn’t nearly as unbelievable as anything else. We’re not even at the last crazy scene yet!

Harry is packing up to go meet Joss when Marc stops in. He wants to quit ASAP. He thinks he wants to “get off the grid” and, you know, “hike Machu Picchu” (note: this Machu Picchu thing is totally the dude version of Eat Pray Love). Harry is all, oh you got rejected from April? Marc explains that April was not excited about him drinking and is no longer giving him any meaningful looks. He has nothing left in town and so they do the bro thing of shaking hands. Sigh.

April returns home to a rather short goodbye note, and Lucy appears at the door to say Marc left her one, too. Lucy is bummed but seems happy they’ll get to be pen pals. April reads Lucy’s note—much longer than the one she got—and smiles and laughs. Hurry up and go get Marc.

NEXT: Now about that last scene…​

Joss tells Harry that even in jail, money and determination can get you anything. She would much rather change the subject to Harry’s interview. He explains it’s great money and opportunity and blah blah blah a year apart. Okay, I’m personally getting offended at the lengths this show is going through to keep these two from just living happily ever after. Joss, thank goodness, tells Harry he has to take it if he gets it. Good work, Joss. She reassures him that they can get through anything and she’s his forever and ugh. She suggests sexts; he suggests love letters. That sums up their relationship nicely.

Vivian is struggling to breathe and this is looking really bad. Karen gets bounced out of the room—the doctor tells her later that Vivian is crashing and deteriorating much faster than anyone would expect. Her organs are shutting down. It’s time for loved ones to say goodbye. Karen goes to physically drag Alec back to his wife’s deathbed. Alec tries to fight the reality of the situation: he’s still making calls about cures. But Karen is all, dude — it’s happening. Go say goodbye to your wife.

Joss and April chat about Joss’ future. Hey, here’s a question: How does Joss have any money after all her legal fees? April tells her she can crash at her newly empty house. She starts talking on and on about Marc and Joss, no dummy, is like April, pull your head out of your ass. You love Marc. Even April is amazed at how much she loves Marc! Marc’s voice mailbox is full, which is classic. She decides to go to Wunderbar just as Joss gets a creepy text from Calista.

Joss goes straight to the jail. I’d be scared they’d throw me back in. Calista thinks that Joss is there to thank her and Joss is like, nice work on the lighter sentence and stop contacting me. Calista is thrown and sad by the misunderstanding. Calista is like, um, I’m in jail. She doesn’t know why someone is contacting Joss. She tells Joss she sacrificed herself for the good of Joss and that’s friendship. Hmmm. The hell?

Joss keeps trying to make sense of this even when she gets home. She calls Patty, Calista’s lawyer and is all, can you tell me what the deal is? Patty tells her the truth: Calista could have gotten a deal if she threw Joss under the bus. She tells Joss that Calista did it because she cares. She also tells her there’s no way Calista could have sent her that basket — she fired Patty and she’s all alone now.

April is bummed to discover that Marc has quit the restaurant and is heading to Peru. Sure. Harry is all, um… how can I tell you this more plainly you dummy? Meanwhile, Ari tells Harry that he got the job. Harry is like yes please! Oh but I need one thing….

Joss meets Harry at some pretty outdoor venue and he tells her that he got the job. But guess what? They are leaving the very next day. Sure, that seems likely. But guess what again? He got Joss written into the contract! She can go globe-trotting all over the world with him while he cooks! This is a dream scenario (leaving out any career ambitions of Joss’ own, I realize) and I am into it. In fact, if this show ended right here and right now I’d be delighted. But of course, that is not to be. Joss, we can see, is suffering a pang of guilt thinking about Calista in jail. Ugh. I see where this is going.

And now, sad goodbye to Vivian time. Alec and Karen come and sit on her bed, either side, like the thrupple they used to be. Vivian asks the nurse to record her goodbye message to the unborn baby. No jokes to be made here as even though this situation is nuts, this is very sad. Both Alec and Karen are completely wiped out by this. How are the nurse’s hands not shaking?

Later, Vivian is unconscious but that doesn’t stop Karen from telling Vivian how much she’s meant to her, how she’s given her life meaning. Vivian opens her eyes and sort of smiles before closing them again and dying. Ugh. RIP Vivian.

Joss is packing haphazardly and talking to the police about how she thinks the real killer is still walking the streets. Harry is already getting filmed and he’s on the phone and en route to go pick her up. Joss is not ready—I bet Joss is one of those last people to get on the flight people. I can’t travel (or go to the movies) with them. Joss doesn’t pull her act together to go on her amazing romantic trip the way you and I would. No, she has to keep calling and sleuthing around, worrying about who sent the mystery basket. Ugh. I can’t.

April is still trying to figure out how to stop Marc and then decides she will just full on rom-com it and go to the airport to stop him. She runs out the door and guess what? Marc is there, shades of Reality Bites, telling April he sold his RV and he wants to put down roots. He doesn’t like L.A. — but he gives a pretty little speech about why it’s worth it for love. Thank goodness, these two are going to figure this out. “I think I’m in love. No, I know it.” Yay for April! She tells him the truth, too — she was leaving to find Marc. They make out. It’s great.

Not so much for Alec and Karen, looking equally destroyed, in the hospital parking lot. Karen makes it only to her car before falling apart.

Calista, meanwhile, seems to be considering hanging herself in her cell? She has the rope and she looks sad but determined.

Joss is driving, to the airport presumably, and then makes a U-turn. This is making me so mad I don’t know if I even have it in me to keep recapping this. Harry is frantic at the airport. Joss drives to Calista’s house and sends a stupid message to Harry and ugh ugh ugh. Why is this happening? She also leaves her phone in the car. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? WHY WOULD YOU DO ANY OF THIS! HARRY IS WAITING FOR YOU! In fact, he can’t wait any longer—the private plane is leaving. Ari is apparently going too? He gets on the plane without her.

And Joss? Joss enters Calista’s house and, you guys, I can’t even. This is too far, even for Mistresses. You know who is waiting there? It’s Wilson. But that’s not all. It’s Wilson in full Calista drag—I’m talking wig, and clothes, jewelry. Oh, and a gun. I surrender.

And, amazingly, that’s a wrap on season 3 of this show called Mistresses that no longer has any mistresses. If it doesn’t get renewed, we can start writing our own fan fic below.