The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: Every Party has a Pooper

NeNe, please. The woman needs a new argument when it comes to hating on Kim. She can’t flame out when Kim calls her a b*#&$ after she herself has already threatened to snap Kim’s neck and pop her eyes out. She can’t claim her bewigged nemesis is childish and immature after insisting that she’s going to throw the woman’s cellulite-free ass out the window. When it comes to her moments of rage, NeNe does not in fact behave like a grown-ass woman. She’s a nut, as needlessly aggressive as Kim is needling. But she’s shrewd enough to know how to instantly respin their arguments. Dealing with Kim is like enduring a two-year-old’s tantrum, she told us. “Um, Mommy is not playing with you now.” Cute, but no cigar. Both of these women bring out the fool in one another.

What a relief to get off that damn bus. Hey Sheree! Where have you been all season, you cute thing? (“Where is Kandi?” she wondered, as NeNe and Kim hollered over one another. “Did y’all kill her?”) The women moseyed inside Thomas Kramer’s garish estate, a mansion that may have served as a set piece in the movie Eyes Wide Shut. Thomas, a jolly, leering kind of fellow, was good enough to host the ladies. Though it was unclear if he expected to be repaid by Kim rubbing him down at night with hot wax or perhaps with the slaughter and stuffing of one the other Housewives. His laugh will echo in my nightmares for days. Thomas tried to introduce himself to NeNe, who curtly said hello before wondering how he could be fool enough to be friends with someone like Kim. Anyways, thanks for letting us stay!

Kim and NeNe retreated to separate corners of the Kramer estate. NeNe asserted her case to Phaedra, Sheree, Kandi, and Cynthia, who was wearing the oddest pair of space sunglasses ever. Again, NeNe pretended that all that drama was merely her way of standing up for a sister. If Sweetie can’t handle her own self, then NeNe feels honor bound to do so. Whatever helps you sleep at night, lady. Kim was stuck on the stoop smoking ciggies with Sweetie, hosting a mini-convention of Dumb and Dumber. “If you felt like you were a slave would you tell me?” Kim asked with a little snicker. She knew NeNe was probably trashing her to the other girls but at least she could count on Kandi having her back. Uh, well….

That night at dinner, the ladies kept it real. Cynthia looked like she hadn’t slept in months, NeNe like she wanted to lean over and take a nap on Phaedra’s enormous rack. This was shaping up to be the worst girls’ weekend ever. Thank God Lawrence burst onto the scene, thanks to Sheree’s invitation. “Lawrence is one of the girls,” Sheree reasoned. Oh who cares at this point. Someone breathe some life into this taxidermied bunch.

UP NEXT: Can a couple of greasy strippers liven up this dreary Florida weekend? (No.)The next day, Thomas baked like a raisin out by the pool, chortling his desire to take Kim to bed. Kim talking about having her period and Thomas sunbathing with his legs spread open: Who wins that gross-off? NeNe, determined not to be without allies, ever willing to double back on her own righteous rules of conduct, summoned her good buddy Diana from Atlanta. Now if someone at this s#$hole would just bring her a little breakfast… Eventually the women were whisked off to Kim and Kandi’s last concert of the tour. NeNe sullenly sipped water in the wings as Kim swayed her way through “Tardy for the Party.” Afterwards Kim reveled in her triumph. “I wanted to prove that I had more than one hit in me and I did,” she said. Her standards of proof are muddy.

Poor Sweetie, with luggage and purses hanging from every limb, tried to make a clumsy dash for the exit. But now that Diana was on the scene, Kim forbade her from leaving. “Let’s get it crunk,” NeNe said threateningly. I’m scared. Luckily the women were on a tight schedule so off to Cynthia’s fashion show we went. I too was surprised by the pow of Cynthia’s booty. Phaedra has softened some this season, limiting herself to one ugly statement per episode. “She looked like a pretzel dipped in cottage cheese,” was Phaedra’s mean-spirited review of Cynthia’s body. We’d all be so lucky.

At lunch the girls innocently asked Cynthia questions about her swiftly approaching wedding, while Cynthia looked warily at the bills piling up in her in-box. Finally Kandi’s question about a honeymoon prompted Cynthia to collapse into her palms, weeping like a young girl. I’m with Sheree. She was about to make me cry too. Phaedra kindly pushed NeNe to follow Cynthia to the bathroom to make sure the woman was okay. In an episode of bad behavior, this to me was where NeNe sunk to her greatest low. Instead of rubbing Cynthia’s back and murmuring her support, she smelled an opportunity to leave a bad party early. If NeNe’s not having fun, then no one should. “We should just leave tonight,” said NeNe. “We’ll leave after lunch. Like I’d be glad to leave. Should we leave?”

But, but, but there are strippers on deck. And Kim wants to see some penis, and she’s not just talking about their host’s, thank you very much. Sheree helped convince Cynthia to stay for a night of fun. (NeNe, in disbelief that her wishes had not been heeded, drafted a clause to add to the Friend Contract upon their return to Atlanta.) Margaritas were sipped, Lawrence’s impressions of the Housewives killed, Cynthia admitted, much to Kandi and Phaedra’s dismay, that she didn’t much care for going down on a man. Finally two slippery hunks showed up and rubbed themselves on the ladies. Are we having fun yet?

Next week: It looks like everyone in Cynthia’s circle cries as Peter waits to see if his bride will run. Classic Bravo tease!

Talk to me, peaches: Could you watch Lawrence do impressions of the Housewives all day long? (He’s got Kandi down cold!) Were you surprised when Cynthia opted to stay for girls’ night after NeNe pushed her so hard to go? On Watch What Happens Live, Rupaul bemoaned NeNe’s saboteur that is dwarfing her otherwise warm heart. Just what is her saboteur? A lack of self-awareness? A lack of self-control? Blue flashes of anger that get the best of her? More importantly, at what point in Atlanta history did Sheree become so adorable?