The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: Moves Like Kroy Jagger

“Whatever I do and say today don’t hold it against me,” Kim warned Kroy before being admitted to the delivery room. (I think Kim may have unwittingly just stumbled upon her new opening credits intro line for Season 5.) She was understandably nervous about the day that awaited her, what with memories of preeclampsia and Arianna barreling through her hooha like a Mac truck. Kroy had his game face on, in the zone and ready to spike that baby. Kim wanted him to share his feelings. All he was able to really verbalize was his desire to make the lights on the way to the hospital. Kim chomped on her enormous gas station donut, that sad paper plate underneath catching the globs of glaze, the way some chew on their fingernails.

Have we ever met Sheree’s mother Miss Thelma before? It was love at first sight for me. Miss Thelma met her daughter on the now-levelled job site. Sheree sighed to her mother about Bob Whitfield’s pretense of poverty, and described how the lout used his daughter’s gift card to buy groceries. Miss Thelma clucked her disapproval and then took Sheree on a mournful trip down memory lane. Back when Sheree was eight years old her parents split and from then on she’d only see her father once or twice a year. All the poor child wanted for Christmas was a damn Speak & Spell. (How anyone’s heart doesn’t burst for a mini Sheree yearning to get her spell on I’ll never understand.) Her bum Dad never did come through, so Miss Thelma dragged his ass to court for child support. Poor Sheree, anxious that her two beautiful daughters steer clear of no-account men and that her handsome son Kairo grows up with a firmer sense of decency and accountability. “Hopefully we’ve broken that cycle,” said Sheree with tears in her eyes. In related news, Sheree wrote Santa to tell him she wanted a kat for Christmas this year.

Season 4 MVP Phaedra had her day in court, which meant, oh yes, Miss Parks in spectacles. Her client Dave was late, but he knew how to work his attorney. “Superstar lawyer, superstar lawyer,” he said, pumping her up like a boxer on the way into a fight. Dave was in trouble for excessive window tint. (I, square graduate of the suburbs, had never heard of such a crime.) That a bag of weed in his pocket. The judge, who deserves his own TV show mind you, let him off because of his high regard for Phaedra Parks, Attorney at Law. Afterwards Dave got some dolla dolla bills y’all out of his excessively tinted car and thanked Phaedra for her influences and services.

NEXT: F^@&, S*@&, C*#&sucker, hunh!, glargh!

Cynthia and NeNe took a business trip to New York and that hotel that most likely comped their suite regrets such generosity as all NeNe had to say about their digs was “Bugs!” Cynthia went to her teenage flame Russell Simmons to get some of his expert advice on her budding model agency. Simmons’ advice to young girls with a dream was to “walk up and down 7th avenue” and don’t get chubby. My advice to young girls with a dream: Don’t date this man. Although one does have to respect the man’s measure of self-awareness on why he likes to date women 40 years his junior. “I’m insecure and I like pretty women.” Somethings’ Gotta Give, Russell. If you’re lucky there’s a Diane Keaton out there for you too. And her name could be Miss Joyce. Just don’t expect to get a peek beneath her Camaro hood for a long, long time.

Back at the condo, Sheree got served. That canny Bob Whitfield hit her with a Petition for Modification of Child Support. Sheree was blindsided, so she called Miss Thelma for some bolstering. Bob was claiming he only makes $3000 a month and so couldn’t meet Sheree’s demands for child support? “Does he really want his kids to hear that?” Thelma blasted on the speaker phone. Yes, let’s all please think of the children, which means in the future let’s wait until Kairo is not five feet away, sitting miserably on the sofa in front of a video game.

In New York, Pizza John took Celebrity Lanethea out for some wining and dining. He wanted to talk about her sophistication, her enthusiasm, the fabulous that is her. “You are a winner, you have a vision, you have passion,” he said, before ordering the waiter bearing menus shot. “A real man knows what his woman wants,” he insisted. (Alright then, can you please get NeNe a talk show, a job for her eldest, and a restraining order barring Bravo from ever airing Kim’s spin-off.) Meanwhile, what John wants is some of that NeNe special, some of that “hmm, mmm” and that “unh, huhhhh.” NeNe looked appropriately mystified by his antics, but then seemed briefly won over by that Tiffany’s blue. Uptown, Cynthia’s “friend and stylist” Kithe got Cynthia to admit that she’s pretty much miserable. Atlanta apparently sucks, what with its amateur obsession with labels. Marriage, enh. “Do you regret leaving New York?” he asked. “I do,” she finally said, with more vehemence than she was able to muster up at her own wedding.

Listen folks, if Kim’s not cussing, she’s not ready for this baby. And then her esophagus broke and out poured a stream of invective so primal as to give me shudders. Last night I had to cut out of a dinner party early and was forced to admit to the crowd that I was late for my Housewives. “Oh God,” a friend said. “I saw a preview for that show and I just feel so sorry for that baby being born into that situation.” And just like that I found myself in the shocking position of pleading a case for Kim Zolciak and insisting to my already-bored friend that Kim was in a good place and had found herself a righteous man and don’t judge me for watching Housewives, lady.

Kroy Jagger has Mom’s lips, and everything else’s Dad. Kroy looked most tenderly shocked by the whole experience. Kim, you got to hand it to the girl, didn’t have a strand of wig out of place or a spot of makeup smeared. Maybe it’s the holidays that’s bringing the sentimental out of me but I dare say I got a little teary by the whole scene. “Breast feeds like a champ, little oinker,” Kim gloated. Mazel!

Next week: Phaedra disappoints in court. Say it ain’t so!

Well folks? Our NeNe isn’t yet ready for the dating world, is she? Has there ever been a less promising relationship than Cynthia’s? Were you stunned to find yourself similarly misty upon the birth of KJ?

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