The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: Doctors Without Borders

Another Thanksgiving has come and gone. This year, I’m thankful for Kim’s array of colorful and see-through jumpers worn at family functions. I’m thankful that Dr. Tiy-e is delusional enough to believe he’s a licensed doctor. And above all, I’m thankful that Phaedra and Apollo’s driver has some experience in childcare, since neither parent seems at all interested in the job.

As promised, the ladies all stopped by Kandi Koated Nights to discuss their “freak number” for tens of thousands of interested Internet fans. “I was raised in the South, we don’t talk about things like that openly, that’s shhh shut your mouth!” said Ms. NeNe, who insisted if she had to be a number she’d probably be a 3 (or make that 43, according to Kim). Cue giggles and teasing, as the women went around sharing what they wouldn’t or would do in the bedroom.

Poor Cynthia, a solid 6 and barely visible lately, was cut off before she could get some valuable sex tips, in order to make room for a surprise visit from Mr. Luscious, the leopard print-wearing stripper who left nothing to the imagination (“I need therapy after that!” shrieked NeNe). He took a liking to Sheree, who hopefully asked for a copy of his degree before taking things to the next level. As fun as it was to see the ladies blush and laugh at one another, I can’t help but think this awkward night was not complete without Phaedra, whose freak number you know must be off the charts.

But the new mom was home and recuperating after an extended hospital stay in Augusta due to high blood pressure. Even though her medical condition prevents her from lifting baby Ayden, this whole parenting thing is still really getting in the way. “Before this I was fancy free and footloose, running around shopping and, you know, doing whatever I wanted to do, and now I’m sort of chained to this baby…we’ll see how this turns out,” she explained. Phaedra was also frustrated that Ayden, clad in a jumpsuit courtesy of Oprah’s personal crochet artist, is not a staple on the Atlanta scene quite yet. Baby, don’t realize your mom is an entertainment lawyer? Stop just lying there crying all day, and get out and do something! Until then, you’re useless to mom.

If there’s one thing Mama Kim (who’s expecting!) knows, it’s bling. So naturally, when her 13-year old Brielle asked for an abstinence ring, the girls went shopping for something “so fantastic it makes her keep her legs closed.” Their trip to the jewelry store and subsequent talk about sex reminded me of Real Housewives of New Jersey‘s Danielle Staub taking her daughter Christine on a horribly cringeworthy trip to the gynecologist’s office, except Brielle was a little too eager to reveal all the sex ed she had learned from pop culture. Let’s all hope that mom really is there for her daughters and has taught them to be intelligent young women who respect themselves enough not to let anyone pressure them into anything. Despite the abstinence ring (which Brielle proudly flashed to anyone within a 60-foot radius), NeNe wasn’t so sure Kim’s done a great job. “The truth is, you have to lead by example, especially when you have daughters,” she said. “And Kim’s done a lot, and she’s said a lot in front of her daughters so we’ll just have to see, the jury’s still out.” Raising girls is definitely a challenge, but sadly, Brielle’s not the only little Zolciak we may need to worry about. Ariana [8 years old!], “came out of the womb looking for a man,” said Kim. Oh boy.

NEXT: The return of Dr. Tiy-e, now with 50 percent less “doctor”!

After facing the firing squad of Atlanta Housewives, Dr. Tiy-e still wanted to meet Sheree for lunch to spew faux psychobabble and preach about the flexibility of an online education. Since their relationship is only lacking communication, trust, and honesty, it’s salvageable, right? Like a typical coward, Tiy-e (I’m dropping the Dr., too) turned things on Sheree, claiming she was too standoffish and cold to his children on the phone (“Hi, is your dad there?”). Sheree scoffed at these complaints. First, she’s old-school, and only involves her children when she knows a man is going to be in the picture long-term. Plus, it’s not like Tiy-e had invited her to dinner, or even lunch for that matter. “Why men gotta feed you to talk to you?��� Tiy-e asked, most likely speaking for men everywhere — chivalry is dead, indeed.

Finally the crazy talk veered toward the ridiculous when Sheree brought up his doctor “degree.” “Prove that you’re a doctor,” she asked. “Prove that you’re a woman,” he retorted. I know you are but what am I? Tiy-e claimed to have brought his transcripts with him, but how do we really know that those folded up pieces of paper weren’t just his third or fourth eviction notices and/or outstanding parking tickets? The man just doesn’t make sense. When Sheree refused to prove that she was a woman (isn’t it obvious?) the doctor had left the building. Nice not knowing you, Tiy-e. Peace and love.

While there was no real love lost between Tiy-e and Sheree after only three dates, NeNe and Greg’s struggles continued to put a strain on their 13-year marriage. Talks of divorce and change came to a head when Greg (unknowingly?) went on a local radio show to vent about his problems with his wife. Most shockingly, the “bad communicator” insisted that he spent $300,000 to help NeNe blow up on the Atlanta social scene. Now that she’s famous, he wants it back, “every dime of it back,” he said. My heart went out to poor NeNe, who had filed for divorce prior to Greg’s blast, but had only confided in her friend Diana. Not wasting any time, she confronted her husband, and criticized him for talking to a “stranger” about their personal problems. Just like Tiy-e, Greg retreated, until he finally stopped fighting back and just got nasty (“I don’t know who you are. Sorry!”). NeNe stayed strong and rattled off everything she’s given him over the course of their marriage, which has hopefully inspired Kandi to create an accompanying melody for NeNe’s future empowering post-divorce jam, “Give Me Back.” It could go a little something like this…

Give me back my vacations (give me them back)

Give me back the god damn labor pains I had for your ass

Give me back the shoes on your feet

And the shirt off your back (I bought it)

Now give me that back

Was there not enough Phaedra tonight, y’all? Who’s lying about their freak number? Are you excited for Cynthia and Peter’s wedding? Is NeNe right to be fed up with Greg? Will “The Ring Don’t Mean a Thing” be Kim’s next big hit (this is her passion after all) or should Kandi give the song to another artist? Let’s hear it!