The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: 'Puerto Read-co'

According to this episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, it is quite possible that I have been read and shaded many, many times in my life and not even known it. Perhaps even within the last hour. Friend asked me if I wanted a glass of wine from the kitchen—SHADE. Roommate told me the rent was due—read me good. Guy at Chipotle said that guac was extra—somebody hold my earrings, I’m going in. No wait, I better hold back because I am straight-up exhausted after watching this episode.

I either don’t speak these women’s language or the editing doesn’t permit me to. I don’t even know which things are supposed to be the most insulting tonight… a detachable clitoris? Is that bad? Seems like it could come in handy and isn’t necessarily indicative of not being a successful actress or sleeping with a lot of men. I mean, Claudia doesn’t even know Roger Bobb, and sleeping with Roger Bobb is basically a pre-requisite to getting your driver’s license at the Atlanta DMV, so is she really the whore that Nene claims she is?

Don’t get me wrong, the last ten minutes of arguing, at least, are pretty clear: Phaedra lives her life under a shady umbrella made of smirks and insincere terms of endearment, and Claudia is truly not afraid of Nene, and not just in the way of “Cynthia is looking out for Cynthia” (or whatever), or how Kenya is always eventually always volunteering to be the “bigger person.” Naw, Cynthia isn’t scared, like she isn’t scared of keeping her spot on the show; she isn’t scared of Nene somehow taking away her paycheck; she isn’t scared of Nene’s wigs being contagious, or Nene making fun of her feet, and she definitely doesn’t care about Nene’s power on the show. But what exactly brought about the need for all the shade and reads that this episode eventually bestows upon us?

Why, a contractually obligated trip across the ocean, of course! Demetria, who is a person that you don’t know and not a cast member on this show, has invited everyone on an all-expenses paid trip to Puerto Rico to see her perform in some unidentified music showcase. That’s a pretty bold move on the producers’ part considering that in addition to Demetria not really knowing any of these women, she was recently publicly shamed in front of all of them, and Cynthia was the only one who didn’t stick around and laugh about it afterward. But everyone is paying their penance tonight: Sorry about the time that woman said she dated your boyfriend at our dildo party… that kind of stuff, like, never happens in this group, I swear.

Kandi is up first, meeting Demetria for a lunch of ice water to apologize for inviting her to her house so that she could eat cupcakes off a naked human and be told that her boyfriend was dating another woman when he was supposedly still with her. Demetria says it’s cool, and just when you’re thinking, “That probably was pretty tough for her, maybe she’s not so bad,” she starts talking about her sex life with Roger Bobb, and just like that, she’s my mortal enemy again. Only on the Atlanta series of Real Housewives would vibrating panties and the phrase, “Hold it underneath his balls” be lunch-table conversation.

Claudia takes Kenya with her to the foot doctor to see if there’s anything that can be done about her struggling toes before they go to the beach. Alas, she’ll need surgery and a boot to conquer her corns and bunions, but I’m glad to finally get a look at those suckers. And they do not disappoint! The overlay of, “My toes look like snow-capped mountains, okay,” when Claudia’s feet are finally revealed is a little bit of that evil RHOA editor genius we live for. I don’t love myself for laughing at Kenya saying, “I thought they were just mischievous, but those are completely disrespectful,” when she caught her first glimpse, but hey, I wasn’t the one Claudia brought along for moral support/to embarrass her in front of handsome, married doctors. She just invited me to stare at her snow-capped toes from the comfort of my own living room. And Stare. I. Did.

NEXT: Demetria makes music noises with her mouth…

Back on the redemption train, Nene and Phaedra are stopping by Demetria’s recording studio session to acknowledge that she’s a human who exists. Probably the most disconcerting thing that happens tonight—in a night that included hearing Nene say the word “pussy”—is hearing Demetria sing and thinking it doesn’t sound totally terrible. Could it be? I was expecting more of a Kim/Countess Luanne situation from her after the video-less music video party. I’m pretty eager to hear her sing in Puerto Rico now, but that seems to be the absolute least of the producer’s worries for the coming storylines because they’ve got this little drama seed in full photosynthesis right now: Phaedra cannot stop throwing shade at Demetria.

I get it. I don’t find Demetria particularly endearing either; I don’t like how her face barely moves when she greets people or how she responds to Nene’s worry that she hadn’t discussed the Goche drama with Roger Bobb that, in fact, she did, and it’s totally her fault because he had once tried to tell her how he had screwed everything that moved the moment they went on a break and she didn’t listen. But still, I wouldn’t try to tell her that she was too old to be a pop star! Phaedra, under the premise of getting to know Demetria, starts asking her about what her genre of music is, and aren’t pop stars usually younger, and shouldn’t she be singing gospel by now. And when she’s done with that, after Demetria mentions that her character on House of Payne was a “crackhead,” Phaedra asks her if she’s ever done crack. I’m not excusing Phaedra’s shadiness tonight, but she has been on some next-level bonkers during all of this Apollo stuff. She’s also saying “chile” so often it’s like a nervous tick at this point.

Finally, everyone sets out to Puerto Rico in groups, including totally-not-a-cast-member, Porsha. Demetria, Porsha, and Kandi fly out first, and on their way, Demetria tells them that Roger Bobb won’t be coming to her performance because he has a very important movie premiere. And also because HE IS A FIGMENT OF HER IMAGINATION, that one scene from a few episodes ago be damned. I actually think they threw that one Roger Bobb scene in just to show us that he’s not a badass hunk that every woman would be clamoring to get with so that we could judge Demetria’s constant need to talk about him accordingly. I know I have.

Next up, Cynthia, Kenya, and Claudia travel together and chat about how pretty and nice they are compared to the “beasts” that they’re willingly (theoretically) going to spend a weekend with. Once they get there, and before Nene and Phaedra arrive—when did they become attached at the hip, by the way?—Demetria is telling anyone who will listen that she’s not so sure about Phaedra and her weird shade-like comments, including her best friend, Kandi, and her worst enemy, Kenya. Kandi tells her that’s just how Phaedra is and to always assume it’s a joke, and Kenya tells her that Phaedra likes to throw daggers, and if it really starts to bother her, she should say something.

Spoiler alert: It starts to bother her. Nene and Phaedra are the last to arrive, and Demetria is in the middle of getting her hair and makeup done when they’re brought to her. She introduces them to her stylist; it is, indeed, ridiculous that she’s has an entourage getting her ready for a dinner with seven of her “friends,” and Phaedra decides she needs to be taken down a peg or two, or seven. As Demetria is walking out the door to show them their rooms—about which they will complain about the size, though the zero dollars they’re spending on them will go unnoticed—Phaedra turns her head around Exorcist-style and is all, “Oh you’re the stylist… now this you’re on point with.” Demetria’s stylist must be a little quicker on the shade observance draw than Demetria because he immediately shoots back asking what he hasn’t been on point with, and everyone’s thoughts immediately flash to the workout mermaid outfit she wore to her music video party. And the Hanes T-shirt bra she was wearing under a crocheted romper earlier this episode, but I imagine she styled her airport look herself.

NEXT: Will these women ever eat a meal of food?

With all the shade weighing on her, Demetria heads to dinner with what is sure to be her new clique of Cynthia, Kenya, and Claudia. They’re having a nice time and toast to Demetria’s upcoming performance, and then a dark cloud immediately descends when Nene, Porsha, and Phaedra descend upon the table; Kandi follows shortly after because Kandi is always late, and remember when that was our biggest problem? I can’t put my finger on exactly what causes the awkward tension, but it could be because everyone at this table hates each other and have never sat down to a single meal where they could get one damn bloomin’ onion on the table before everyone starts calling one another whores.

Each group talks about how the other group is being rude to them in their one-on-ones, and then when Demetria starts talking about her performance in two days, Phaedra responds with, “Alright honey, yes, please,” which doesn’t even have a verb in it, but apparently is the final straw for Demetria. She says that she just has to get it out that she feels like Phaedra has been throwing shade at her for no reason. Phaedra feigns innocence, so Demetria lists her offenses: judging her career choices, asking her if she did crack, insulting her stylist. Phaedra pulls out the “I’m just being honest with you” card that has been worn so thin on the Real Housewives franchise in the past few years.

Demetria informs her that she didn’t ask for her opinion and says the “The only thing we have in common is the number eight: yours is going, mine has been here for eight” comment that we’ve seen on every promo for this season, but none of that really matters, because now it’s time for the adults to speak read. After Phaedra sort of/kind of/barely apologizes, Claudia has clearly had it with Nene’s side of the table whispering back and forth in ways that seem like they’re mocking everyone else—but also in ways that I couldn’t even begin to describe in any coherent way—she asks if they really have any desire to resolve the issue. Nene says, “Ask Rickey Smiley,” which, again, is probably the most innocuous thing she’s said all night, but it’s the last straw.

What follows is a verbal battle that mainly consists of insults having to do with age, money, career, and sexual promiscuity. I think it’s best if I just give you some of the most choice quotes, and you make of them what you will:

“I pay my own bills, I don’t have to get on a pole.” —Claudia when Nene says she wishes she had her bank account.

“I’m very college educated. You didn’t know, bitch?” —Nene

“You went to college? Spell ‘bridesmaids.'” —Claudia

“I’m in my forties. You’re in your forties.” —Nene

“When you were my age, you had edges.” —Claudia

“I’ve gotta be honest, Claudia is reading Nene like Hooked on Phonics.” —Kandi

“Money can’t buy class.” —Claudia (who is just echoing the Countess)

“No, and money couldn’t buy you a new pussy, could it?” —Nene, being classy

“What you got, this half-breed shit, it’s nothing.” —Nene… oh, hell no

“You’re a whore, you done slept with everybody… your clit has left your body.” —Nene

Occasionally, I feel as though I can only express myself through emojis; my response to that final Nene comment is one of those times, and that emoji is the bulging eyes, blushing cheeks, and straight-line mouth on the first page of smileys. It basically says: WHAT.

I mean, seriously, I’m exhausted, and we have another week of this. While my head was going back and forth like Gregg at a fine linen goods auction, and I was surely invested in the proceedings, it’s pretty disheartening to listen to this many grown women say the word “shade” quite so many times. At a certain point in your life, you have to either start saying things or not saying them, and cut all this, “Chile, you a honey mess, girl” shit out. This might be an unpopular opinion, and I claim the right to change it with each episode, but that’s why Claudia’s move tonight was kind of refreshing. She sat quietly until she was sure that there was something worth speaking about, and then she went for it.

Throwing shade requires a certain amount of subtlety—it’s non-committal. Claudia was shooting her shade with a T-shirt cannon; there’s no going back on those words, and that is what the good people at Bravo who apparently got an urban dictionary for Christmas call a READ. I’m not sure what has made Claudia so not scared of Nene in the same way that everyone else seems to be, but if we must always have women at odds with one another, I’m glad that this one is at least a fair fight. Whose side are you on? There are just so many options…

Most confusing sentence of the night: “If Demetria wants to have a glam squad just to go upstairs and eat a baguette, that is fine with me. You did it. You’re winning. Tonight.” What does this mean, Phaedra?! TONIGHT.