The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: Trouble on the Family Tree

Well, there’s just not a lot to say about that one, is there? And especially after catching a glimpse of NeNe, NeNe’s teeth, and NeNe’s ice-skater poncho in the “Next Time On,” it’s hard to think of much else. Let’s see…I think in this episode I remember Cynthia casually asking her teenage daughter for advice on her crumbling marriage; I think Mama Joyce threatened to end Phaedra’s life shortly before asking her for baby shower tips; and at some point, I’m pretty sure Porsha was dipping cheese cubes in caramel and eating them. It’s just so hard to recall!

The thing is, this hour was all about family, and as it always is with family dynamics, the feelings are complicated. I mean, I get that Porsha might be jealous of her younger sister’s pregnancy and not know how to deal with those feelings, but she’s still acting like a selfish apple-monster maniac about it. And I understand that Kenya’s situation with her mother must be so hard and that the absence has likely haunted her for most of her life, but one would think that might make her less inclined to involve the cameras and a luxury bus full of people in her final attempts to mend fences. One would think…

One might also think that on a show called The Real Housewives of Atlanta at least one Housewife might talk to another Housewife at some point during the hour…but one would be wrong. It was a weird one, folks! And not in small part because the hour started off in some bizarro world where Mama Joyce is just your average sweet old grandma in a suede mule made for chunkin’. Kandi has spent all her pregnancy time getting her businesses in order (and feeding her employees story lines), so she’s just now getting around to picking out everything she needs for the baby. Mama Joyce comes along to help pick out a crib, but they end up talking about Kandi’s falling out with Phaedra, and MJ resolves, “Maybe I need to talk to Phaedra.” Somewhere out there, an inexplicable chill just went down Phaedra’s spine.

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But there’s no reason to be scared. When Mama Joyce does show up at Phaedra’s office, all she does is lightly threaten her while burrowing into her soul with those dead-shark eyes: “I don’t want Kandi to have any, any problems. I would never want anyone to do anything to hurt her, or to cause her to be upset in any way because you know Mama Bear… You know me.” But imagine the voice of Voldemort saying that last bit. Mama Joyce somehow manages to never separate her top and bottom teeth for the entirety of that monologue, but Phaedra still gets the message — resolve this mess before you stress my daughter and her at-risk pregnancy out. And you know what, given the choice between Phaedra and Mama Joyce 2.0 (the version that’s able to touch Todd without hissing), I don’t really know who’s side to be on, so I’d just call this one a win, especially since Phaedra ultimately decided that she needs to be there for Kandi during her pregnancy like Kandi was for her.

Something tells me that after Kandi got ahold of Phaedra’s comments about her husband this season she was probably like, “Thanks, but no thanks.” In what is hopefully the last installment of Let’s Get Todd Paid If It Kills Us, Phaedra goes to Todd’s office to continue to act like only a poor, unemployed person would dare ask for the money they were promised to make in exchange for their professional services. Let’s continue to bear in mind that Phaedra is a lawyer. She says that even though she doesn’t intend to release the video (maybe she’s rethinking the polka dots?), she’ll pay Todd the final $8,000 because, “I’m not crying about a couple thousand dollars — I have jobs.” Really? It sure sounds like you’re crying about a couple thousand dollars in the form of NOT PAYING HIM FOR TWO YEARS.

NEXT: Mo’ money, mo’ pregnancy, mo’ problems…

But money, it can make people act crazy, which is probably why you always hear that you shouldn’t go into business with your family. Especially if your business is just kind of…you being you and occasionally throwing some panties in a box to ship to someone. I’m just kidding, I have respect for Porsha’s attempted hustle in the Housewife world of weave and lingerie distribution, but I have little patience for how much she seems to expect from her half-sister/assistant, Lauren, with seemingly little gratitude in return. It’s come to a boiling point now that Lauren is pregnant and going to have to make some changes to her work schedule. From what I can gather, Lauren thinks Porsha needs to expect a little less out of her because there’s no way she can focus on her own life when she’s so involved in Porsha’s; and from Porsha’s perspective, Lauren needs to be available to do everything for her all the time, wherever and however she wants it done, for as much or as little money as she decides to pay her. So.

Porsha and Lauren first discuss this in sister screams at the gym, and when that doesn’t end up going very well, Porsha shows up at her sister’s apartment with some grocery store flowers. In definitive proof that she’s related to Porsha, Lauren pulls out a pre-made Sam’s Club apple and cheese tray, and they get to the deeper root of this problem: Porsha is upset that Lauren kept her pregnancy a secret from her for so long; Lauren explains that she did that because “given [Porsha’s] situation,” she might “feel some type of way.” That “situation” being that she’s childless and constantly dumped by randos on FaceTime, and that “type of way” apparently being Jonas-level jealousy.

While unhinging her jaw to shovel as much caramel dipping sauce onto as many edible vehicles as possible, Porsha defends herself saying, “I’m living the good life; everything is going really well,” but eventually comes around to saying that it was tough hearing that her little sister was pregnant, like someone else was living her dream. They eventually make up, though, and as long as Porsha replaces that apple tray, everything will probably be fine.

But despite the recapping time spent, the meat of this episode isn’t actually Porsha discovering that you can dip fruit into ice cream toppings. No, it’s spent following Kenya as she readies herself for a family reunion she’s throwing in Detroit. Aunt Lori and Brandon accompany her there, and her father, his wife, and their son join later. It’s a little hard to figure out who is reuniting at first, but this is what we eventually figure out: Kenya has invited both sides of her family to the reunion, but she’s mostly only in touch with her father’s side of the family. Her parents had her when they were teenagers, and her mother wanted to give her up for adoption, but her father’s mother begged to keep her, so that’s who mostly raised her. Although she’s close with Lori, her mother’s sister, her mother has never wanted anything to do with her.

It’s very sad — you would want for anyone to be able to receive love from their mother. But, it seems, that is just not in the cards for Kenya. On their way to the reunion, she makes a surprise stop at her mother’s home to attempt to communicate with her. She says this is the first time in her life that she’s felt she had enough familial support to be able to really give up the dream of reconnecting with her mother, though, so this will be the last attempt. She also says that she’s doing it alone, which is not entirely true, as there is a van of people (only one of whom has ever met Kenya’s mother), and a camera crew right behind her. But anyway, Kenya walks up, knocks on the door, and begs her mother to speak to her, but no one comes. She reports back that she heard her mother lock the door from the inside.

So, on to the reunion they go, where Kenya passes out T-shirts to her family members that say in big bold letters, “Kenya’s family reunion” because, well…Kenya just can’t help being Kenya. There’s a kind of odd interaction with her paternal grandmother where Kenya tells her she looks like “a sassy raccoon” because she’s…wearing a beret? I’m not sure — I’ll let you try to figure that one out in the comments, and I’ll also let you speculate why Aunt Lori disappeared. Or if you’d prefer to not get involved with someone else’s family drama (because as this episode proves, it’s not that fun), Iet’s just take bets on how long it will take NeNe “Friend of the Housewives” Leakes to scream, “I shaid what I SHAID” upon her return… Go!