The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: Peaches of the Caribbean

In the two weeks since the last RHOA episode, the Broncos have won the Super Bowl, Beyoncé released a single to end all singles, Kanye rented out Madison Square Garden for the Kardashians to wear an array of fur jackets, and there have been approximately 1,217 Republican debates. In that same amount of time the Real Housewives of Atlanta have argued about a commercial, deemed it a ‘mercial, filmed said ‘mercial, and then had a wrap party…for the commercial. It’s been a very productive time!

But you know what? They had a good time doing it, and all I’m really ever looking to watch is these silly women messing around with each other. Save the drama for your mama, and then hope that your mama isn’t Sheree because she will rat your ass out.

Speaking of, we re-enter the world of the Housewives just after Kenya gets mad at Cynthia for telling everybody they’re not biffles in Jamaica. So, Cynthia gets on the bus to Kingston feeling just way stressed out (Bravo-sponsored vacays are so hard!) and saying that some “really, really super awesome person went back and told her that I completely denied our friendship.” Sheree immediately jumps in to say that’s not what happened. Let’s get three things straight: Cynthia absolutely downplayed her friendship with Kenya in front of the other women, Sheree absolutely told Kenya about it word-for-word, and the only super awesome person on this bus is Gregg and he is sound asleep for his midday nap. But also, Kenya is consistently next-level awful and shows no signs of letting up, so maybe take this as your out, Cyn?

Instead Cynthia gets very emotional thinking about how she really does care about Kenya and doesn’t want to their friendship to be affected by the resurgence of her BFF-hood with NeNe. NeNe does her a solid — because while some of those emotions might be real, we know this is just how Cynthia gets when she loses control of all the dumb things she’s done because the producers hissed in her ear that it might earn her a new sports bar in the Raleigh-Durham tri-city area or maybe a higher-speed internet connection at the Bailey Institute for Modeling Good — and says she’ll talk with Kenya and convince her to join them for drinks when they get back to the resort.

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But before that, they go to Kingston to have a barbecue with Peter’s family that still lives in Jamaica, and they are so sweet, and that food looks so good that it makes me wish I could enjoy Peter. But, as they say, if wishes and buts were Kandi and nuts, we’d probably all stop watching Bravo.

Back at the resort we have to watch Kenya and her “boyfriend,” Matt (who’s probably thinking, “Wait, why do your friends spend their time saying they’re not your friends?”), take a spa bath together, but the rest of the crew makes it back to homebase to do what they do best: getting rip-roaring drunk and saying things they shouldn’t have. All the boys meet up at the bar, and Peter, probably about 75 Red Stripes deep, starts asking Matt a million questions, mostly about the fact that he’s 28 years old. Matt, for his part, won’t really smile or speak words, so things escalate to them talking really aggressively about “playing around” and “taking walks,” and I guess I just don’t get guy stuff.

That lady stuff, however, I am well versed in, and I know exactly how shady Kenya was being at their little powwow. NeNe goes to Kenya’s room and tells her about Cynthia’s emotional episode on the bus (and even manages to say in her interview that she’d “love it if even the three of us could be friends) without laughing, so Kenya joins back up with the other women while Kim ducks out to get prepared for the ‘mercial the next day. So when Chris’ name gets brought up in conversation — NeNe thinks he has a lot more fire in him than his wife and Phaedra thinks he’s “high strung and a little sassy” — Kenya takes that as her opportunity to throw a few more daggers at her personal enemy Kim Fields and say a bunch of close-minded, stereotypical things about gay men. I’m sure I don’t even need to tell you that it is just a blast…

NEXT: Tales from the Industry

It goes a little something like this: Kenya tells the other women, “I know y’all have heard the rumors.” What rumors, Kenya? “They call him Chrissy!” Who calls him Chrissy, Kenya? “The Industry.” And how would you possibly know that, Kenya? “I have been in Hollywood for 20 years! I worked on Living Single with her — he is called Chrissy.” This is where I state for the record that Kenya was on one episode of Living Single that aired in 1997, and Kim married Chris 10 years later in 2007. But, y’know, that explanation of them being in The Induuuustry together seems reasonable and well-founded.

Cynthia and Sheree both express that they don’t agree with the giggling that is going on at Kim’s (and general humanity’s) expense, but neither of them says anything to stop it. Back in with the clique, Kenya decides that she can go with everyone else to the commercial shoot tomorrow to show her support for her not-BFF Cynthia.

And finally, it’s time for this sunglasses commercial that has been fueling our story lines for the last four weeks. For the record, I just tried to look up if this commercial actually exists, and I could not find evidence that anyone has ever seen it, but I did find that my McAfee Web Security really doesn’t want me visiting the Cynthia Bailey Eyewear homepage. But whether the thing ever made it to local Atlanta airwaves or not, it’s clear that Kim is a professional who knows how to put a project together and shoot a ‘mercial. She has a team and a crew, she keeps the day moving even when a rainstorm rolls in, and she gets all of Cynthia’s shots filmed before the rest of the women show up for their ‘mercial debut. And speaking of those women…

It was really fun to watch them have fun with this! Porsha and Phaedra have basically become like the Bert and Ernie of this cast if Bert was constantly covered in fishnet and Ernie was always making sex jokes while his tongue lolled out of his mouth like Jim Carrey in The Mask. They’re the only Housewives who chose to be on camera. NeNe plays stylist, which is to say she brings a lot of bracelets with her, and Sheree is her assistant bracelet holder. And Kenya takes a paddleboat about 1,000 feet out into the ocean in the middle of a lightning storm just to avoid seeing Kim successfully direct the commercial.

But everyone is all about Ms. Kim Fields this episode, and Peter says he’s throwing a commercial wrap party to celebrate what a fine job she did. So Cynthia orders as many tiny egg rolls as she can, Peter and Matt make amends at the pool table, and everyone sits in circles talking about what a good time they’ve had. But when that conversation turns to some of the women telling Kim how funny they think Chris is, Sheree sees an opportunity to earn her peach back cannot take it. Or as she puts it, “I am allergic to fake shit.” She interrupts and turns to Kim to tell her that everyone was also talking about Chris the night before, but “some of the things said last night about your husband were about him being…fruity. Or gay.”

Such a way with words, that one! We’ll get to it next week but I’m going to go ahead and say if you don’t stick up for your girl when the smack is being talked, then you don’t really have the right to call everyone else out later. Sound off in the comments about what you thought of this week’s RHOA, and please, I beg of you — if you have any knowledge of the whereabouts of the completed Cynthia Bailey Eyewear commercial, please let us know (unless it’s on her homepage, in which case, I cannot risk my cyber security).