The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: Where Is the Love Boat?

On Sunday night, following a physical altercation between Porsha and Cynthia just ripe for “if this boat’s a-rocking” puns, new “Housewife” Kim Fields uttered one of the best/most hilarious/saddest/most naive lines that’s been on The Real Housewives of Atlanta in some time: “I have a low tolerance for foolishness.” Oh, KIM. Me too, honey, but if that is the case, might I suggest finding a job recapping RHOA rather than being a part of it? Because your new gig will require basically nothing but tolerating fools (plus going to six to eight product launches a week, a couple of mandatory “group trips,” and might cost you your marriage…but other than that, it’s mostly foolishness).

The very best thing about Cynthia and Porsha’s fight — actually, let me back up: I’m with Kim in believing that there is nothing to be celebrated about two women laying hands on each other. But the aftermath of watching a bunch of innocent bystanders who saw the unbelievable sight of two grown women kicking at each other like 4-year-olds was oh-so-watchable…

Those poor shirtless bartenders couldn’t have looked any more scared and vulnerable than if they were the ones getting Cynthia’s Mortal Kombat kicks to the tum-tum. Then there was Kandi calmly bumbling around like this happens every day. (I mean, her mother does regularly throw her clogs at her best friends, but still.) Kenya was sweeping around and trying desperately to put herself at the center of the action but without having to take any punches this time — I watched that woman physically take Sheree’s shoulders and move her out of the way for a camera angle. And Weird Tammy — oh, Weird Tammy — who apparently missed the whole thing while she was in the bathroom, was left sitting under the boat in her floppy hat trying to figure out why everyone was screaming. My eternal gratitude to anyone who can produce a gif of her eyes rolling around in her head like one of those creepy Kit-Cat Clocks.

But perhaps I’m burying the lead under a heap of bartenders’ sailor hats. (Those poor bartenders were just in this to advance their modeling careers a little, and not counting on becoming witnesses.) This is what happened: Following Cynthia freaking out about one of the 800 times Porsha said “bitch” in last week’s episode, Porsha ventured over for a one-on-one chat where she was supposed to explain that she didn’t mean it offensively but mostly just said “bitch, is this how you want it to be,” a bunch of times while Cynthia waved her finger around in Porsha’s face like Christina Aguilera hitting the power note in “Dirrty.” This led to Porsha waving her finger back, then Cynthia grabbing at Porsha’s hands, then Porsha jumping up to kind of straddle Cynthia, and Cynthia kicking her foot directly into Porsha’s stomach.

And there you have it: Two grown women fighting on a boat. Porsha seemed fully prepared to take the altercation further, but some underpaid PA tackled her to a lounge chair while she continued to writhe beneath him. Cynthia sat in her own lounge chair, probably trying to remember through the cloud of Patrón what exactly just happened. Kim is under the impression that “they’re both going to be so disappointed in themselves when they get a chance to catch their breath,” to which I once again must say: “Oh, KIM.” In fact, most of my notes from this episode are just weeping for Kim’s loss of innocence and laughing at Tammy’s face while she was sitting by herself under the boat.

Porsha says in her interview that she doesn’t “ever want to see any of these bitches again.” But spoiler alert, you guys: She sees them again.

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Another positive outcome of this fight is that it leads to one of the most bountiful installments of Recappin’ in Kitchens we’ve ever seen: Kim is telling Phaedra what she missed (while Phaedra continues to trick Kim into thinking she’s above all this); Kandi is breaking the fight down to her employees with some unexpectedly lively impressions (“You don’t want me to come up out my seat!”); and Kenya is dramatically giving a biased account to Aunt Lori and Cousin Che, after which Lori gives this advice: “I think you need to do something again…something positive to show everybody that this is how you deal with negativity.” Y’all — the omnipotent scripted drama gods have even gotten to Aunt Lori! The world is lost.

Because you know what’s great after forcing your friend to go to her own “bachelorette party” while she’s in the midst of trying to save her marriage that ultimately results in her getting into a drunken kick-fight? Another forced get-together in her name! But before we get to that…

**A QUICK AYDEN UPDATE: Ayden had too many grapes in his lunch, and he thinks that maybe he should handle the snow cone slushing from now on. END OF AYDEN UPDATE**

NEXT: Apology, party of eight…

Alright, back to less pleasant things, like Peter Thomas, Unlikely Voice of Reason. After the boat incident, Cynthia summons Peter back from Charlotte because he’s the one she really needs to talk to. He arrives back home in a private car with a driver because apparently, in addition to the Charlotte sports bar needing his constant supervision to make buffalo wings and turn on upwards of 18 televisions, he also needs to have his hands free on the drive home. I have to take this additional time to rag on Peter because now I have to admit that he actually gave Cynthia some decent advice. First, he points out to his wife that she might have physically hurt Porsha, something she doesn’t even seem to have considered. Then he tells her, “I’m quite sure all this emotional stuff you’re going through ain’t even about her…so when you see her later, apologize. But we need to talk about where you’re at now.”

Well, there you have it. I mean, yes, Cynthia’s emotional turmoil is entirely Peter’s fault because, y’know, he sniffed some girl’s neck on camera, then didn’t talk to her for 10 days, then said he was going to fight for their marriage, then just when back to Charlotte anyway; but he’s still technically right that she took out the pain from their fighting on someone else. So they once again agree to make more of an effort and “not get on each other’s nerves.” Best of luck, you two.

And a sincere best of luck to Kandi and Todd, who have a successful pregnancy check-up with their doctor, minus the time that Todd stepped out to call someone in the middle of Kandi’s ultrasound, which is not at all a red flag for the future of their relationship.

I truly cannot believe that this episode started with Cynthia and Porsha kicking and scratching at each other, and a half hour later, we’re all headed to a brunch of fruit and yogurt for them to kiss and make up, and yet — here we are. But first, Kenya has to insert herself into this drama that really shouldn’t have anything to do with her. She and Porsha go to some dessert cafeteria where Porsha wears an evening gown and Kenya wears one big ruffle that is somehow the shortest thing I’ve ever seen while also looking like it could outfit an entire junior varsity color guard team. Her breasts are oiled to a Valvoline gleam.

They pretend to be cordial to each other for a minute but mostly accomplish nothing because the person Porsha really needs to talk to is Cynthia.

So we’re off to the brunch Kenya has arranged for Porsha and Cynthia, where no one sits but Kim. One by one, everyone shows up but the humans these women are gathering in the name of. Finally, Cynthia arrives, feeling “uncomfortable and embarrassed,” and yet, notably not apologizing to anyone for her uncomfortable and embarrassing behavior. And I guess that’s because she’s saving up her apologies for Porsha. In fact, they end up handling the confrontation remarkably well, especially considering what happened the last time they took a sidebar.

Cynthia and Porsha excuse themselves from the group, where Cynthia first checks to make sure Porsha is physically okay. Porsha says it was just some bruising, but she was more hurt emotionally by what happened on the boat. At the big table, Kenya tries telling the other women that her conversation with Porsha didn’t go well because Porsha never wants to take responsibility for her emotions, to which Kandi responds, “Sometimes, Kenya, I feel like you’re good at pointing out what the other person has done, but you don’t always be good at pointing out what you do yourself.” Kandi, your point is on fire.

Porsha and Cynthia don’t really try to rehash what happened on the boat because they both know that, basically, they lost their cool. Porsha offers a Porsha-patented apology: “If an ‘I’m sorry’ is what there needs to be for us to not ever have to go to that place, it’s on the table.” The woman is truly a master of non-apologies. But Cynthia says she came there to take responsibility for her actions, so they’re both able to agree to move on from this, and Cynthia even thinks it might have brought them closer.

And just in time for a trip to Miami, y’all! This should go well. What did you think of Cynthia and Porsha’s fight and subsequent forgiveness? Have you ever kicked your friend in the stomach while she screamed at you and then gotten past it over egg frittatas? Sound off in the comments!