Couples Therapist Secretly Observes Couples Building IKEA Furniture

[upbeat music]

[exclaims]

[banging on table]

I am a little frazzled.

No compliment.

She hates me everybody.

That's funny.

[laughs]

[Host] Open your eyes.

Your time starts now.

[clock ticking]

Oh, alright.

Let's go Ikea.

I knew it.

I knew it.

Oh my God. Yes.

We just moved into new apartment so.

This is perfect.

This is perfect.

We've been building furniture for like the last two weeks.

I've never seen somebody so excited to build furniture.

Some things I'll be looking out for as like,

how well are they communicating,

how well are they being kind to each other?

How well are they delegating tasks?

We need a table to build the table.

It says to build it on a table.

The world is your table sometimes.

[laughs]

I've built a desk before, But it me too.

It wasn't this difficult,

but I think we can do it.

I think.

I think we can get to some stopping point.

Really like how affirming Sarah is,

which I think is really important

when you're faced with something new.

So affirmations and words of affirmation,

I think are really helpful in scenarios like this.

They're kind of like gentle nudges to get people

to stay connected and present.

We came into this to like win,

so I was like, all right, I trust you.

And she's like, Don't be upset.

Don't just be patient with me.

Yeah.

I'm, I'm very patient so you know,

He is very patient.

Yeah. Yeah.

Plus it's always about the end result.

Normally I just jump into it.

I'm actually really bad with reading directions.

I just am like, all right, let's do it.

And then I, I like mess something up every single time.

In it to win it.

You know nowadays most people probably leave

here when they don't get it.

It's like, it's your fault,

[laughs]

if you would've listened to me right?

I told you already do not do that to me.

If you would've listened to me, nah,

I won't say that. Okay.

We just might not go out later.

[laughs]

No, I wouldn't do that.

I wouldn't do that.

I'm trying my best here.

That's funny.

[laughs]

Clearly it's kind of a light, light play here,

but punishing somebody through absence is,

is very painful in relationships.

Saying that we will leave

or that we'll go doesn't lend itself to security.

I'm gonna think about step eight.

Okay. Okay.

Think about step eight and get back to me.

[laughs]

I'm the project manager

Most of the time.

She comes up with the plan, she's like,

we're gonna be doing this on this time.

And I'm like, okay.

I think Will and Sarah's dynamic is really curious

in that the more vocal partner will often take

up more space in a session.

But what I'm really interested in is how Will is processing.

It just may not look like how Sarah is verbalizing,

but I can see that he's thinking and being thoughtful.

[laughs]

I'm perfectly fine with this way.

[laughs]

You're a strong woman.

I know, I know.

I'm not gonna, Thank you.

I'm, I'm not gonna ask you be like you want me to do that?

No. Thank you.

Of course.

I feel like we are both able to do this type of activity.

I really enjoy following directions,

so it's kind of like a treat for me, you know?

Yeah physically, I do think the division

of labor seems much more equal than all the other couples.

Right?

It's like both of them are actually at like on their knees,

like figuring it out together,

which I think is really nice.

I mean I want to complete it in time,

but if we didn't I wouldn't sweat it as much.

You know, just take away that it was a fun experience him,

he'll be standing there thinking, oh yeah.

Okay if I could create a twin of myself,

I would do it just to compete.

Yeah. Like

Definitely.

Just to sit up there and compete against people.

I am a very competitive person and I just,

I really want it to be perfect

and I wanna get it done in time

and I wanna like do it faster than the other couples.

[laughs]

Oh yes okay that's So this one-

goes first and because the dot is on this side

then it should be reversed.

So it's where it should be.

What?

Basically I'm saying I'm right.

[inhaling]

Breathing exercise is working.

Yep.

That doesn't look right, but, oh, okay.

Okay hold on.

Well done makes sense.

This is why I tell you we have to read directions.

No, that's for babies.

[laughs]

Read directions is for babies.

I mean as a therapist whenever,

but somebody says, oh this is like, you know,

references something in childhood, it's like really fun.

Because now you're like,

you get a like a little peek into their,

into their psyche without them even knowing it.

We call them door handles.

It's kind of like entryways into a person's subconscious

and he was so clearly anti instructions

and equated it to being childish.

I think what sparked my therapist mind was,

why is it so bad to be a kid?

Well, I'm at like a three,

You're at a three.

I'm like a six right now.

I.

I'm like at a level six stress,

this, this,

ah, this might raise it.

[bolt falls]

[exclaims]

She's kind of fluctuating between like the duress

of the situation, feeling really anxious,

confused, don't know what to do and I notice that she kind

of looks back at Will at various times and ask if he is good

and I think that's just a really interesting way

that she may be coping with her own anxiety.

I'm having so much fun are you having fun?

I am in a zen mode right now.

Good. It is amazing.

In therapy, we call it attunement.

How people build connection is

through this level of attunement.

The closer that couples are attune.

I think that's a good barometer of are they able

to stay connected despite feeling

like every part of them wants to get away.

Attunement is the act of that.

That whole part of looking back

Now that the time is reset.

I think I'm at a seven.

That one's good. I'm at zero.

I knew he was gonna say that.

I'm at zero.

I knew it. [laughs]

This doesn't stress you out a little bit.

And it's weird because he's the one who wants to really win,

but not I am sweating bullets right now.

[banging table]

I am a little frazzled.

Seven.

Not surprising.

Just because somebody isn't verbalizing their worry

or concern, it doesn't mean

that the other person is not holding it for them.

Well, Gabby I would say is being very patient.

I am being patient thank you.

[laughs]

Nothing for me.

No compliment.

She hates me everybody.

No, I think you're, you're wonderful.

I think,

Oh.

Yeah, I think you're doing a good job.

You're, I mean we're working well together right now.

Right now.

we, we usually work well together.

So if this couple were in couples therapy with me

and they had that interaction,

I would want to know

what Amanda is really wanting from Gabby.

She seems really wanting some sort of verbal affirmation

and it seems like Gabby is having a hard time giving.

Can you go a little faster?

Going as fast as the screw will let me.

[Host] Two minutes.

Oh God.

I cannot get these in with my fingers.

[Gabby] The tension.

We would've had it if we'd read the directions.

Gabby, now is not the time.

We're just gonna finish it.

Well, it's still gonna be a table.

It's just, it's just not gonna be one that can like.

[laughs] [upbeat music]

We did it. It is still a table.

You can still, you know, have tea on it.

You can do whatever.

You can cry.

You can cry on it.

That's okay.

It's close enough.

[laughs]

[Host] Put down your tools.

We got close

[Host] and I'm gonna bring something in just

to assess the table and how you guys built the furniture.

Okay.

You said we weren't getting graded.

Alright, it's time to meet the couples.

Nice to meet you.

I'm the IKEA inspector.

Oh Boy.

I'm just kidding.

[laughs]

I'm a couples therapist and I actually

have been watching you in the other room.

Oh Oh, okay.

You are a little bit scared.

Yeah, and I've actually been in the other room.

I've actually been in the other room

and I've actually been in the other room watching

you the entire time that you've been building.

Don't fret my, my role here is simply to describe

and provide some observations.

I'm not here to diagnose.

Sarah, you got down, you were looking at the instructions

and Will, you were the kind of doer.

Yeah.

Is that kind of sort of symbolic of

how things happen when you're not maybe on camera?

We do tend to stick to what our strengths

and weaknesses are, but it, I mean,

yeah, it might be nice to switch things up sometimes

Yeah. And like practice working

on those weaknesses and like switch.

I really like there was a moment where you were pointing

and Okay, the arrow points this way so you can do that here.

Yeah. It wasn't a directive,

it was really like a teaching moment.

Yeah.

Of this is how you can kind of take this

and replicate it so that I don't have to do it.

And I think that's just such a good example

of like interdependency.

Yeah.

You said you were just moved in together right?

Yeah. Congratulations.

Thank you. Thank you.

That's always a test of any relationship

is living together when things are familiar.

We see safety in that.

And you know, this was familiar to you.

You've navigated it before

and so it's just a good example

that though you'll probably encounter things

that are unfamiliar, but there's transferrable skills

and I think you have great foundation to do that.

Okay.

Thanks.

Yeah.

I love you. I love you.

[couples hugs and kisses]

Thank you for your guidance.

[laughs]