The six couples in The Ultimatum: Marry or Move On are looking to take their relationship to the next level but have come to an impasse. Before anyone ends up proposing, there are issues to address or each relationship could end for good.
Not every couple can address their issues by switching partners and participating in a make-it-or-break-it social experiment, as the series tasks them to do. But they can confront their issues, which can help them figure out whether or not their relationship can overcome the obstacles they’re dealing with.
We spoke with Patricia Lamas, a licensed couples therapist based out of Los Angeles, who drops relationship advice to her 200K TikTok followers, and Lindsey Metselaar, a self-proclaimed “millennial dating aficionado” and host of the dating podcast We Met at Acme, about the issues plaguing The Ultimatum’s couples. The insights and advice they shared might even help non–reality stars at a relationship crossroads.
In the series, we meet Colby, a 25-year-old ultimatum-giver who’s ready to marry his 24-year-old girlfriend Madelyn, but she’s unsure that he’s “the one” and doesn’t want to close herself off to what the future might hold. Lamas says that there might be pressure to get married early on in your relationship, but “biologically, our brains are not fully developed until the age of 25 or 26, on average.” When we’re younger, we’re more likely to act impulsively and more emotionally, according to Lamas.
“There are areas of our brain that are not fully developed,” she says. “So you’re making lifelong choices and huge decisions extremely early on, which is a lot to consider, especially when we’re not at our highest capacity for thinking analytically and making choices.”
Age aside, if you want to get married, Metselaar suggests bringing up marriage early in the relationship “just to make sure that you and your partner are on the same page about your timelines,” she says. “Couples and friends of mine will be in relationships and have mismatched timelines and not realize it until one person is really upset.”
Metselaar has three-week, three-month and three-year rules that can be useful for tracking where you are in your relationship and what you want from a partner. “In three weeks, you know if you like them and like spending time with them,” she explains. “In three months, you should know if you feel some feelings of love, and by three years, you should know if you want to marry them.” Timelines can always vary, but what matters is checking in with yourself and with your partner regularly to make sure you’re on the same page.
The most important thing you need to know before getting married is your partner, Lamas says. “What do they care about?” she adds. “What do they want out of this relationship? And does this match with what you believe in?”
Nate, a 30-year-old ultimatum-giver, and his 30-year-old girlfriend Lauren can’t see eye to eye about kids. Nate wants to start a family, but Lauren has been vocal about not wanting children, which has caused a rift between them. Where two people entering a relationship stand on parenthood is something that should be talked about early on, Metselaar says. Lamas agrees, adding that all couples need to be on the same page about becoming parents.
“For some people, not having kids is non-negotiable, but for other people it might not be,” Lamas says. “I really think people need to focus on finding win-win solutions or you both lose.”
Shanique is 24 and is ready for marriage, which is why she and her 26-year-old boyfriend Randall are in The Ultimatum. Randall, however, wants to get his finances straightened out before he proposes. Talking about money can be tricky and uncomfortable, but Lamas says each person’s relationship with money is personal, and there might be problems they need to work through on their own.
Instead of considering whether or not they’re financially stable enough to get married, couples should ask themselves how they want to handle their finances together, suggesting that they freely talk about how they handle money, how their parents treated money and if they had issues with money growing up.
Security is a factor when it comes to spending the rest of your life with someone, and that includes financial security, Metselaar says.
Lamas warns that feeling insecure about finances might be avoiding a larger conversation at hand. “Couples will say that they’re not ready financially, but really the big issue lies in the fact that they can’t trust their partner to make healthy financial decisions in the relationship,” she says.
After being in a relationship for two years, 25-year-old Alexis doesn’t want to move in with her 28-year-old boyfriend Hunter until he proposes — but he is only willing to live with her. However, The Ultimatum pushes couples into moving in with strangers, and then each other, for three weeks, to help them visualize what their life will look like once they’re married. Lamas is a big proponent of moving in together before marriage. “You do not know this person until you live with this person,” she says.
Lamas notes that your relationship will change when you move in together, especially once “all those pet peeves” are out there. “You really have to make an effort to stay connected because you get used to each other,” she explains. “What happens in our brains is that when we feel like we know each other, our brain automates to one another, which means we make an image of our partner and base everything off of that image. We’re no longer present with our partner and we’re kind of on autopilot.”
This can make you subconsciously take things for granted, which might result in a lack of attention. But by living together, you can earn more about not only your partner turned new roommate but yourself, too, as well as the expectations that you have for this person in your life.
Lamas’ tip? Negotiate and find your “ways to win” when it comes to house chores and other elements of living together so you can both contribute in ways that are helpful and feel fair.
Everyone participating in The Ultimatum gets a three-week break from their partner as they explore what life might be like without them — and with someone else. When Madelyn chooses to live with Randall for three weeks and temporarily splits from Colby, she is eager for the opportunity to try something new. But Metselaar says that outside of the show, taking a break might do “way more harm than good.”
“I imagine that those problems will get bigger and bigger when you do get married,” she says. “So, for me, in my personal life and the advice that I give, breaks are just never a good idea if they’re a sign of a bigger problem.”
Lamas says that couples need to find the real reason why they’re eager to take a break. While it may not be the best decision for some, for others it can help couples gain perspective. “I have had couples who have had success with taking a trial separation, because they just couldn’t find clarity with being together all the time, and having a break, with rules, helped them,” she says.
If you’re looking to take a break from your relationship, be specific about the length of the break, the purpose of taking it and whether or not you can hook up with other people. Also, ask yourself if what you really want is a breakup. “I think going on a break can be an excuse for avoiding the loss of their partner,” Lamas says. So, if you’re feeling those feelings of uncertainty, breaking up is an okay option to consider.
The entire premise of The Ultimatum is for couples to, well, issue an ultimatum. Both Metselaar and Lamas say that this could be helpful, depending on the relationship. “Sometimes, if you’ve been in a limbo, this can help,” Lamas says. “Sometimes couples get stuck in this ambivalent space that can only go on for so long, and if you’ve been in an ambivalent space for 10 years, at that point, you’re both losing the opportunity of being with someone who may be a better fit for you, you’re losing the opportunity of being a mom, you’re losing the opportunity of actually doing something in this relationship together.”
Metselaar feels there is still a way for people in relationships to feel empowered. “I always tell my listeners that if they feel like they’re being taken for granted or taken advantage of in their relationship, to just make their partner feel what it’s like for them to not be there, which is a little different than an ultimatum,” Metselaar explains. “It’s saying, ‘You’re not respecting me and I said that this is what I want and you’re not giving that to me.’”
“If you’re not moving forward as a couple, sometimes it really is just people avoiding that pain of losing someone,” Lamas adds. “Ultimatums can help with getting people moving — and sometimes people need movement in order to continue, especially if they’ve been stuck.”
