I'm a Psychotherapist—Swifties Are Masking

Swifties are chanting: "I can show you lies (one, two, three, four), 'Cause I'm a real tough kid, I can handle my sh**, They said, "Babe, you gotta fake it 'til you make it" and I did, Lights, camera, b**** smile, even when you wanna die"

My tears well, a connection to holding pain in my private life. I feel it for myself, and for the hundreds of women I've sat with as they process how they really feel behind their mask.

Now it's a power anthem.

Swift describes turning it on, pulling up her mask with raging resilience and creative fire. She gives us a glimpse of what it feels like to be both proud and burdened by her ability to show up the way the world demands.

She's sharing how she could hide her pain without anyone noticing. Clinically, we call this masking. Women do this all the time, they show up for others before themselves. They show up for their kids, their partners, their coworkers. Taylor does it for her fans.

With a funhouse tone she sings about depression "I'm miserable and nobody even knows." Most women from every generation know this feeling. But masking is actually a complex mental health term.

Some describe it as a way to fit in that takes up emotional and physical energy. Lindsey Mackereth, MA, LPCC, LADC, an expert on Highly-Masked Autism defines masking as "any conscious or unconscious planning and use of implicit or explicit strategies to meet societal expectations."

She goes on to say, "we minimize any detection of not meeting societal expectations to prevent ourselves from further social discomfort, exclusion and/or trauma."

Katie Larrowe, 24, is a Swiftie and skincare specialist, taking care of women through facials and education about skin care. She tells me about a memory from 8th grade of her mask formation.

Feeling the isolation of the middle school social scene, she said she made a decision to be "the girl who is always happy." Larrowe says "I got so caught up in that mask I would get mad at myself for feeling any other feelings other than happy. It's something I still struggle with, ten years later."

Mackereth thinks it's important to know that we can actually choose our mask if we have awareness. "Unaware of our masking, these behaviors are more likely to become our unconscious default for most social situations, putting our nervous systems at risk for consistent overdrive."

But Mackereth is encouraging, "if we become conscious of our masking tendencies, and the energy these behaviors involve, we can often be more intentional with discerning in which social situations we still prefer to use this energy-eating protection as well as the spaces in which feel safe enough to protect our energy by allowing free flow of our authentic, unmasked selves."

When Taylor sings "I'm so depressed I act like it's my birthday everyday" she's describing pushing through and needing to be so happy and excited about life just to keep herself moving. She's using so much internal energy to fake it. We too perform, keeping ourselves appearing calm when we are actually overstimulated. We hustle with demanding schedules even when we are actually exhausted and need rest.

Masking is a normal part of being human because our nervous system can't always be in exact alignment with what is required at the time. We may even choose to mask very consciously, recognizing the inherent safety risk with unmasked behavior.

For example, we may not want to lose our job by having a crying meltdown about the fluorescent lights feeling overstimulating. However, at home, we may find it absolutely essential to have quiet, low lighting after a day at the office. We will likely all be masking on a first date, or in a job interview, keeping ourselves safe socially, economically.

Masking is when we push our nervous system. It's a giant dissociation from our internal experience. We get through our work, our obligations and responsibilities. This causes an increase in stress hormones, hypervigilance—flight—irritability—fight—and/or trying to keep everyone happy—fawn.

Responses that are adaptive when we don't feel safe. Billions of neurons are constantly scanning for safety. When we mask we don't feel safe attuning to our internal body signals.

Consciousness of the mask is the first step. Many women don't even realize how masked they are and how much life-force it's sucking from them. I describe it as adjusting our nervous system on purpose. We borrow from future health by dysregulating our nervous systems in the present.

Therapists want you to recognize when you're doing this, so that you can protect the recovery time needed to return your nervous system to baseline. Clinically, we call this "ventral vagal," a calm regulated state. The goal is not to always be ventral vagal "zen," , but instead practice flexibility, and awareness of our nervous system.

Depression is when our nervous system collapses, feels overwhelmed and shuts down, something we call the "dorsal vagal" response. Sometimes called the freeze state, which causes difficulty with things like motivation, sleeping, and loss of interest. Think of life becoming more dull.

Sometimes, our nervous systems are more sensitized, maybe because we are surviving stressors or trauma, or maybe because we were born with different wiring.

Those with Neurocomplexity, a new umbrella term Mackereth promotes for complex neuro wiring that can include, ADHD, Autism, Dyslexia, CPTSD, other learning differences – may be more at risk for masking.

People with neurocomplexity tend to have nervous systems needs that don't align with the typical demands of our society. High-masking profiles are more likely to experience suicidal thoughts, co-morbid mental health conditions such as substance use disorders, and chronic health problems.

While we are still studying this phenomenon, we can learn from the BIPOC community and the term: code-switching, where one needs to modify their language, behavior, appearance, etc., to adapt to dominant sociocultural norms: a sophisticated social safety system.

Women, or those socialized as females, are especially at risk for high masking because we are socialized to give people what they want.

Our culture tells us to keep quiet, keep our emotions to ourselves and be a "good girl." "Smile," as Swift says.

Many women have explicit memories like mine, when I was told as a very young girl my smile was worth a thousand dollars. I was literally told that smiling would be worth money—of course I got good at doing it—I've always been bright and I found my value in society quickly.

Messages all around us tell us it's essential to make men happy, give them what they want and like—a masked woman. One who doesn't complain, doesn't have needs, and takes care of everyone else.

In many ways, the fandom of The Tortured Poets Department (TTPD) is an expression of women who have fully integrated the #metoo movement, unmasking their anger.

With TTPD, Swifties are screaming out their pain—specifically from men. The World Heath Organization reminds us that 1 in 3 women experience physical or sexual intimate partner violence, or non-intimate partner sexual violence in their lifetime.

Women know their assailants and are sometimes coerced and manipulated by men whose sole goal it is to have their own sexual gratification. Women are conditioned to give others what they want, believing in the "hook- up" culture, you should know what men want. Many women are abused at young ages, so their first sexual relationship is dominated by someone with significantly more power.

Swift is honest about the realities of her experience as a woman in our culture. We mask to gain power, to stay safe. When we are free, we show you it hurts. Our bodies and minds have paid the price with with anxiety, depression, mood swings, gut issues, hormone imbalance, addiction, disordered eating and autoimmune disease. The list unfortunately goes on, all to show up the way the world wants us. This is the mask.

'Cause I can do it with a broken heart.

Erin Barbossa, LMSW, is a therapist who studies the intersection of neurocomplexity and trauma. Mission Driven Storytelling is her macro social work practice where she focuses on using creativity to contribute to global collective healing. She has a passion for maternal mental health and parenting, and lives with her family in Ann Arbor, MI.

All views expressed are the author's own.

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