How Parallel Parenting Can Help Families Thrive in Conflict

Parallel parenting is a strategy designed for divorced or separated parents who struggle with high levels of conflict.

Unlike traditional co-parenting, where parents work collaboratively, parallel parenting minimizes direct interaction to reduce tension and instead focus on the well-being of the children.

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Joe and Cheryl Dillon, divorce mediators and relationship experts at Equitable Mediation, told Newsweek that parallel parenting is becoming a popular practical solution as the stereotypical family dynamic, where mom would stay at home and dad would go out to work, gets phased out over the generations.

"It's more common now than in previous generations for women to have important careers they wish to nurture," Joe said.

"So, in many cases, parenting duties are shared between spouses while married or in a relationship."

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And that's not all. Given the nature of divorce or breakups, Joe added that it is perfectly natural to have feelings of animosity toward an ex.

"One or both parents are smart enough to realize they don't want their conflict to spill over onto their children," he said.

"Parallel parenting helps them prevent that from happening by keeping their parenting time separate and allowing them to stay out of each other's way."

Is Parallel Parenting Good for Children?

With that in mind, Cheryl said that she believes that parallel parenting can be good for children who thrive on routine and predictability. There is no confusion and, from experience, she sees the children do really well in this arrangement.

"In parallel parenting, it's always clear which parent the child will be with and who's taking care of them," Cheryl added.

Parallel parenting also ensures that children spend quality time with both parents, which can make their bond stronger, she said.

There are also other ways in which parallel parenting can help kids indirectly.

Some of the parents that contact Equitable Mediation have to travel for work which, Cheryl said, means they can focus on being a parent when they are back home with the children.

"On their non-parenting days, they can have some 'grown-up time,' like going out with friends, hitting the gym, or taking care of household chores," Cheryl said.

"In both cases, the parent doesn't feel guilty or stressed about trying to do everything at once," she added.

"This means they can be their best selves when they're with their kids, which is great for the children."

What Is the Difference Between Parallel Parenting and Co-Parenting?

The difference between parallel parenting and co-parenting is simply how they parent and share time with the children.

As each divorced parent views the days they have the kids as their days alone, they do everything for the kids themselves, without involving the other parent at all.

"In parallel parenting, one parent, let's call them the 'on-duty parent', will be the one to fully care for, transport, help with homework, and get the children to school, while the other parent is 'off-duty'," Joe said.

If the on-duty parent is unable to look after the children during their allocated time, it is their responsibility to find an alternative caregiver such as a grandparent or babysitter, rather than asking the other parent to fill in for them.

"In co-parenting, while one parent is considered on-duty, both parents are welcome to engage with the children and participate in activities, even when it's not their scheduled time," Joe said.

How Do You Enforce Parallel Parenting?

Developing a comprehensive parenting plan between the separated parents or with a family law professional can help create a schedule to prevent disputes.

Above all, the children come first and "if you think parallel parenting might hurt your kids in any way, you should think twice about doing it," Joe said.

Being respectful of boundaries is also key, and you can do this by setting clear rules for when it is acceptable to contact the other parent.

"You might agree that texting is the only way you'll communicate, and maybe you'll only text if there's a medical emergency or if the school wants a meeting with a teacher or counselor," Cheryl said.

Ultimately, awareness of how your child is reacting to the situation is crucial, and Joe said that families should prepare to change their parallel parenting plan if needed.

"Do what's truly best for them, even if it means you and your ex must be on your very best behavior," he added.

With clear boundaries, structured schedules and an emphasis on the child's well-being, parallel parenting allows both parents to remain actively involved in their lives without the stress of ongoing conflict.