Parent alienation —when one parent, consciously or unconsciously, influences the child to reject the other—is a serious issue that can have long-lasting effects on children and their relationships with both parents.
Recognizing and addressing this behavior, which usually happens during a divorce, is crucial for the wellbeing of the child involved.
Here are seven signs that you might be guilty of parent alienation, along with expert advice on how to stop.
Atty Bruggemann, a divorce attorney and partner at New York law firm Dimopoulos & Bruggemann, says that parent alienation is an intentional act that seeks to divert the child's affections and respect to the offending parent without reason.
"These actions result in the child aligning themselves, to an extreme degree, with their preferred parent and rejecting a relationship with the other parent," she explains.
Jenny Flora Wells, a licensed social worker and holistic trauma therapist, says this family dynamic sees one parent manipulating the child into fearing, disliking, or cutting ties with the other parent.
"It is also possible for parental alienation to occur in families that are not going through a divorce or seem to be a 'healthy' family from the outside looking in," she told Newsweek.
"The parent exhibiting this manipulative behavior is consciously or subconsciously trying to tarnish the child's relationship with the other parent," she explains.
1. Speaking Negatively About the Other Parent
Frequently criticizing or speaking poorly about the co-parent is a sign that you might be the alienating parent.
By constructing a view of the parent as unsafe, being unequipped to meet the child's needs or loving the child, an alienating parent can cause anxiety in children who will be spending time with the target parent.
"This may also lead to guilt and shame for showing affection for the target parent by the child," says Bruggemann.
2. Confiding in the child
This is "one of the most influential and common strategies," according to Bruggemann.
"This includes sharing court filings and providing details from the alienating parent's perspective.
"Additionally, expressing anxiety or stress about being left alone or sad when the child goes to the target parent can lead the child to feel sadness, dread, and guilt for leaving the alienating parent."
Discussions around legal matters, financial issues and personal conflicts are best kept between adults so as not to damage the trust in both parents.
3. Limiting Contact With the Alienated Parent
This might manifest as making excuses to prevent your child from spending time with the other parent and even encourage loyalty conflicts.
"Forcing the child to reject the target parent by canceling plans, missing appointments, not acknowledging the target parent in public, or forcing them to choose sides are overt strategies employed by an alienating parent," Bruggemann clarifies.
4. Undermining the Authority of the Other Parent
"When a child is encouraged to disregard the target parent's decisions, they lose respect for that parent and no longer see them as an authority figure," Bruggemann explains.
The alienated parent loses their role as an authority figure and instead becomes someone the child no longer respects, listens to, or seeks advice from.
5. Asking a Child to Keep Secrets
"Asking a child to keep secrets from the target parent undermines their relationship and gives the child a sense that the target parent is not someone to be trusted with sensitive information or isn't worthy of knowing," said Bruggemann.
This could cause the child to feel anxious about spending time with the alienated parent.
6. Seeking Emotional Support From the Child
By looking for sympathy from your child about the situation, you could imply that the alienated parent is unreliable or unsafe.
"Parents who overshare details of the divorce, the intimate relationship, or 'what went wrong' in the relationship cause the child to worry," said Bruggemann.
This behavior can lead to the child feeling anxiety about leaving the parent or spending time with the target parent, she adds.
7. Withholding Information From the Alienated Parent
This is manipulative and harmful behavior, and it's important that both parents are informed about particular events such as graduations, school recitals or sports games.
If you withhold this information, it gives the child the impression that the target parent did not care to attend, says Bruggemann.
"This allows the alienating parent to further declare that their love is superior and the only relationship worthy of the child."
How to Stop Parent Alienation
First and foremost, Wells says that the more you know about parent alienation, the less likely it will happen.
"It's important to understand what parental alienation is, and what the warning signs are, so you are able to repair the relationship with your child if manipulation takes place," she explains.
Seeking professional help such as a family therapist or counselor can provide strategies to improve co-parenting and communication from an impartial place.
Wells also suggests keeping track of certain behaviors in both the child and other parent so you can bring it to the attention of professionals helping you through the divorce.
Overall, Wells suggests remaining positive throughout the divorce process, even if alienation of the parent is taking place: "It can be difficult to not play into the negativity, but this is essential in keeping a strong relationship with the child."
Bruggemann says it is key that parents understand the detrimental effects that alienation of a parent can have on children.
"While tensions, anger, and animosity run high after a failed relationship, a divorce, and litigation over custody, the children must be kept out of it at all costs," she urges.
By recognizing the signs and taking steps to address them, parents can maintain a healthier and more supportive environment for their children.
As Bruggemann concludes: "If parents cannot put their children's wellbeing first, the courts may deem them unfit [for] custody. Understanding that adult emotions have no place in the mind or heart of a child is truly the only way in which to prevent and stop parental alienation."
About the writer
Daniella Gray is a Newsweek Family & Parenting Reporter based in London, U.K. Her focus is on family dynamics, childhood ... Read more
