How to have the STIs conversation with a potential partner
In conversation with sex educator Dr. Evalene Dacker, we lay out the science of STIs and give you language to talk about them, and, more broadly, about sex with a potential partner. Because for something so fun, sex can be hard to talk about.
NPR YouTubeTalking about sexually transmitted infections with a potential partner can feel awkward. Do you bring it up on the first date? What's the right way to ask someone if they've tested lately? For something that's supposed to be fun, sex can be hard to talk about.
"Some people say, 'Wow, those conversations are so awkward,' I'm like, yeah, but sometimes getting naked with somebody for the first time is really awkward," says Dr. Evalene Dacker, an Oregon-based family physician and sex educator. "The more that we prep for it, the less awkward that's going to be."
Dacker says the best time to raise the topic of STIs with a potential sex partner is before your clothes come off (though, of course, it's never too late to discuss sexual health and boundaries.)
She shares a framework she created to help you start those conversations — not just about STIs, but a holistic approach to physical intimacy. It's called S.T.A.R.S.
Using these prompts to think through your own wants and needs can make it "much easier to communicate that with somebody — and communicate it early in the relationship," says Dacker.
The S.T.A.R.S Framework for conversations around sexual health and intimacy
Sexual health: For example, when were you last tested for STIs? Have you tested positive for one?
Turn-ons: What are you into sexually? What would you be open to trying and when?
Avoids: What would you like to avoid? Maybe you don't want to be physically intimate if either of you has had too much to drink, for example.
Relationship intentions and expectations: For example, maybe you're not looking for something monogamous. Or you're in an open relationship. Or you're looking for a casual, consistent connection, but not a relationship.
Safety needs: Share what you need to feel safe physically emotionally, spiritually and culturally. For example, "I'm not ready to go back to your place yet." Or: "Here's what I need to feel safe when we're hooking up."
Watch the video at the top of the page for more on the basics of STIs, some role-play scenarios demonstrating how the conversation can go down, and more on the S.T.A.R.S. framework.
This video was produced, directed and edited by Iman Young, filmed by Annabel Edwards, Christina Shaman and Iman Young, and animated by Kaz Fantone. Audio engineering support comes from Cena Loffredo and Neal Rauch. The consulting editor is Beck Harlan and supervising editors are Meghan Keane and Nick Michael.
The audio portion of this episode was produced by Clare Marie Schneider. The digital story was edited by Beck Harlan and Danielle Nett.
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