Heather Dubrow is an actor and reality TV star on “The Real Housewives of Orange County.” She’s also a mom to four children with her husband, Dr. Terry Dubrow, three of whom are part of the LGBTQ+ community. In honor of Pride Month, Dubrow spoke to TODAY.com about supporting her children and the advice she has for other parents.
The family I grew up in — though it was lovely — was very 1950s in that we didn’t talk about hard things. So one of my biggest desires in being a parent was to create a home where my kids could open up to me about their feelings. I think that’s why I don’t have any dramatic coming-out stories to share about my kids. With all of them, it was just a normal, ongoing conversation. There was never a big moment.
My 21-year-old daughter, Max, came out publicly as bisexual during the pandemic. She was 16 at the time. I remember walking up the stairs and Max saying, “Did you see my post?” I checked my phone and there was a picture of her draped in a Pride flag and the caption read, “I always knew I was bi, I just thought I was bipolar.’” It was so funny and very Max. But you know, she didn’t come to me and say, “Hey, Mom, is it OK if I put this out there?” She didn’t have to ask because she knew the answer. I’m really proud of her and I think that it takes so much strength to stand up and say, “This is who I am.”
Of course, it could all change. Kids are so fluid; they’re still figuring themselves out. That’s why I don’t like labels, and I want to leave them room to grow.
Of course, it could all change. Kids are so fluid; they’re still figuring themselves out. That’s why I don’t like labels, and I want to leave them room to grow.
In the LGBTQ+ community, I think the B is accepted the most, at least in my experience. Max’s sister Kat was 15 when she came out as a lesbian and she faced homophobia at school. My 13-year-old son, Ace, is also part of the community. With Ace, there have been some friendships that I’ve had to extract myself from.
I announced last year on Instagram that Ace changed his name and pronouns. The only reason I did that was because people were already talking about him and misgendering him and saying unkind things. And my post was meant to stop that conversation before I rejoined the cast of “Real Housewives” in 2021, after I’d been gone for four seasons. I wanted to protect him. I also didn’t want him to feel that I was hiding him in any way. I love my child.
Ace is in middle school now, and it’s a cesspool of hormones and hideousness. It doesn’t matter who you are — you’re having a tough time in middle school. But if you have a child that is anything outside of what society considers the norm, you've got to be a little more mindful of them.
I worry about Ace, of course I do. I wish I could Bubble Wrap all of my children to protect them from any pain. But I can’t. What I can do is give them the tools they need to go out in the world. It’s a learning process for myself and my husband, Terry. We’re figuring it out as we go just like all parents do.
The problem isn’t the kids — it’s the adults. I was at an event recently, and a politician and I were discussing transgender kids. They asked me, “Do you think it’s just kids being influenced by TikTok?” And I said, “Absolutely not.” This is the same conversation that surrounded gay people 30 years ago, when gay people were being forced into conversion therapy.
Being gay or bi or trans — whatever it is — comes down to biology. My husband, a brilliant double board-certified surgeon will tell you that. It’s just like being born with blue eyes or being 5-foot-9. You don’t get to decide.
As a celebrity — and I use that term very loosely — I’m trying to use my platform for good and to show people what my family looks like. However, I have to create an environment for my children where they feel protected. I’m not telling their stories for them, but I can discuss what our familial experience has been. That’s a huge reason I decided to come back on the show. I get so many messages from gay and trans individuals saying they are estranged from their parents, and I thought, maybe we can help some people. And I know we’ve been able to do that.
Here’s the best advice I can give to parents: Love your kids. Support them. Take care of them. And listen to them — they just want to be heard.
This interview has been edited and condensed.
As told to Rachel Paula Abrahamson.