Well, well, well! Who would have thought that lil’ Miss Tanya would stroll into the Korean spa with a bag of weave and a whole pot of tea? This is quite the development and I’m here for someone coming for Kenya’s messy ass. While it is true that Kenya is filled with a deep and profound unhappiness, she is still choosing to come for Tanya simply because Tanya exists happily in the world. Tanya is the type of woman who wakes up and eats a slice of cake, and Kenya cannot STAND IT.
Anyone who can get under Kenya’s skin this much deserves to be in contention for a peach. There wasn’t even a whiff of NeNe this episode, which leads me to question whether they are phasing her out. I don’t even think anyone even said the name NeNe and Marlo got another interview. Things are not looking good for The Madame Linnethia. Let’s get to it.
The episode starts with the only heartwarming storyline that’s emerged this season. Eva is having her daughter’s last name changed to Mike’s last name. According to Eva, Marley doesn’t know that Mike isn’t her biological dad and Eva and Mike’s wedding was VERY important to Marley. This is all adorable and since I don’t have children, I have no idea if this is a normal way to handle something like this. Eva has taken all the necessary steps to get her ex out of her life and this is the last one. I’m glad for Eva and her husband and their… 28 kids? I can’t keep track.
Then it’s time for a trip to the Korean spa with Kandi, Porsha, Marlo, and Tanya. I know Tanya is selling tickets to join her on a trip to Carnival, but I would pay an extremely large amount of money to get a foot massage and gossip with these four women while wearing spa uniforms that make Marlo reminisce about the orange outfits that she had to wear in jail. They settle into some heated chairs to begin their massages, and Tanya asks if they can get reflexology for the uterus so she can have a baby.
OKAY. There is some necessary background here, as much of the episode’s narrative happens through slightly gray flashbacks. Tanya’s beef with Kenya isn’t just about Kenya alluding to Paul trying to get the Cookie Lady’s cookies, but also that Kenya was too familiar when Tanya was talking about her IVF. Tanya is VERY CLEAR that she’s not listening to Kenya about her single egg and whatever Paul did or didn’t do with the Cookie Lady isn’t cheating. Everyone knows that if Kenya is trying to start something, it’s because she’s empty inside and because she’s got receipts.
So Tanya is ready with the receipts of her own. Kenya asked her to pick up a package she left at the hotel and just bring it to another country. What’s odd is Tanya’s first thought is maybe it’s something illegal. Like Kenya would be asking her to transport a lot of drugs and a human kidney. So Tanya opened the package and lo and behold, it was a wig.
Miss Kenya “This is all my Hair” Moore-Daly wears a goddamn wig. Bravo even decides to show a montage of all the times Kenya has denied wearing a weave, pieces, or even some braiding hair in a ponytail. Porsha says that Kenya might be a secret shopper of her hair line. Kandi warns that she’s willing to take the wig back to Kenya but Tanya better be ready for whatever the cold, bleak heart of Kenya Moore-Daly is going to rain down upon her in return.
Marlo is fucking thrilled. She tries the u-part wig on and passes it to Porsha. This is a delight and the beginning of a true mess.
Elsewhere, Eva heads to the courthouse with Mike and they talk about how Marley already thinks her name is Sterling and it’s adorable. Eva talks about how Mike is adopted and how he’s giving the same gift to Marley that his parents gave to him. Later, they throw a pizza party to celebrate Marley’s name change. It’s sweet. It’s lovely. It’s too pure for this episode.
Kenya heads to lunch with Kandi and Cynthia. Kandi is wearing a snake print sweatsuit and tells a very strange story about a man whose pet snake was sizing him up and preparing to eat him. The moral of the story is to not lie down with snakes. Kandi brings up that Kenya was definitely hinting that it was Tanya’s fiancé who was trying to get with the cookie lady. Kenya INSISTS that she was just asking questions.
When Cynthia has lunch with Tanya, she says she’s not going to let Kenya tear down her house of love. Corny but powerful. That’s Tanya’s sweet spot.
Kenya claims that she only wore the wig for the festival for undisclosed reasons and that Tanya didn’t seem to have a problem talking about IVF when they’ve had many phone conversations in the past about it. Kenya also wants to let everyone know that the woman that Paul was hitting on is hotter than Tanya, prettier than Tanya, “the bitch is badder than her.” Listen, Kenya. It’s bad enough you’re accusing her husband of cheating. Just let her think the woman is a little busted.
The last emotional rollercoaster of the episode is Dennis’ lunch with Porsha’s sister and mother to “be accountable” for his infidelity. He also manages to invite his mom and doesn’t tell Porsha about that. Can you imagine if your dumb-ass fiancé was holding a lunch to apologize to your mom and sister for cheating on you revealed that he was going to invite his mom that never called you during the turmoil? And then he also said that he didn’t fully understand why your mom and sister weren’t crazy about him? When Porsha said “it’s their issue” and Dennis said “indirectly,” I lost my mind.
He follows that up by saying “I’m gonna take accountability, but we family” as if that means jack shit. Porsha knows that Dennis has to sit down and look her family in the eye and let them know what he did but there’s no telling how Diane and Lauren are going to react. Well, Lauren lets him know that it’s only been a few months but it’s felt like years. YEARS, DENNIS. He says that they’ve got to stick with each other through the ups and downs. Dennis. You cheated on your pregnant wife during her pregnancy and post-partum. YOU gotta commit to the ups and downs.
Dennis then complains that he can’t call Porsha’s mom because he’s blocked. Porsha says her mom has an iPad he can call, which Dennis thinks is ridiculous. Porsha explains that’s not ridiculous because the reason Porsha’s family doesn’t want to take his call is Dennis’s cheating. Lauren and Diane chime in to say that they were upset that Dennis could leave his family like that and Porsha might wind up a single mother. Dennis tries to say that his mom was upset that Porsha didn’t reach out to her. Dennis is trying to communicate human emotions but man, he is communicating the wrong ones. “After I cheated on you while you were nine months pregnant, my mom was really upset you didn’t reach out!” Not now, Dennis! Porsha says she didn’t want to deal with his mom if she was going to take Dennis’ side.
Porsha’s mom points out that they maybe rushed into the relationship a little quickly so now they can build the foundation of a strong relationship… if Dennis is ready to be a family man. Porsha thinks that Dennis is showing her that her family’s feelings matter and that’s a good step to start working on trust again. Let’s keep moving forward, shall we?
