Tanya, come on in here and sit down. Grab an iced tea. You’ve earned it. You squared off against Kenya and got the woman completely riled up. And Tanya? You did it without breaking a goddamn sweat. That’s impressive. It takes a bold woman to make an argument about her fiancé’s fidelity look fun, and, bitch, you did it. Everyone! Everyone! Get in here! Clap for Tanya. You clap for her! She’s earned it. Let’s get to it.
What is wrong with Kenya? This is beyond a rhetorical question at this point. It’s something the great philosophers of old sit around in their togas contemplating. Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle asking the questions that may not have answers because I don’t know if there are enough brains in the history of the universe to noodle on exactly what the fuck is Kenya’s problem. Let’s just look at the issues at play here: Kenya is insinuating that Tanya’s fiancé is at worst a cheater, and at best just a general creep, and she invited the alleged other woman to brunch. On the other hand, Tanya held up one of Kenya’s wigs in front of other people.
Tanya clearly thought Kenya’s attempted hit on her relationship was a joke, so she responded with one. The fact that Kenya decided Tanya holding up a wig was the equivalent of burning Jo’s manuscript shows us that Kenya’s brain has been replaced by a reality-TV producer’s headset.
Eva and Cynthia are just along for the ride at this overreaction by Kenya. Kenya arrives at lunch and doesn’t greet Tanya, like this is the goddamn sixth grade. Stop talking about your new Limited Too corduroy overalls and say hello, Kenya! Kenya says that she’s dressed up because she’s going to read a bitch at lunch today. She’s on fire, and she hasn’t even begun. Tanya makes the mistake of trying to talk to Kenya as if she’s a reasonable adult person. Kenya says she’s a walking billboard for her million-dollar company. She has to present a real, authentic image to the people! She may hire boyfriends, but she does not use hairpieces … except when she does? Kenya’s argument is very flimsy here. You can’t claim that your hair is all yours and perfect when you do use wigs and pieces — and you do use wigs and pieces, because that was your wig. Instead of being honest and saying, “I use my products to protect my hair, no matter what I’m doing,” she wants to be able to claim that all her hair is hers and it’s the result of Kenya Moore Haircare. The natural-hair-care community has expanded to include a whole lot of looks and hairstyles. Hell, even SheaMoisture reformulated to lure white customers! That dry shampoo is not for us!
So what does Kenya do? She claims that Tanya is trying to steal food out of her daughter’s mouth. OKAY. WHOA. We have escalated. Also, based on the strategic bleeps and everyone’s reactions, Kenya might have called Tanya the C-word. Even for an unreasonable woman, that’s a bit much. Kenya starts saying that the Cookie Lady was bringing the information to Cynthia, and Cynthia does not want any part of this. The Cookie Lady brought the information to both of them, and Cynthia wants to make it clear she never came for Tanya. Kenya is still trying to pass off her conversation with Tanya about her frozen eggs as an act of decade-long friendship that could never be erased. Tanya says she felt attacked and that Kenya was very aggressive in that conversation. Oh, Tanya, not a good look. Just keep acting like Kenya’s behavior is hilarious because that’s what Kenya really can’t stand. It seems like Kenya wanted to act like an authority about having children and Tanya wasn’t excited about that, so Kenya went full-on Daenerys.
And here comes Drogon. The Cookie Lady arrives with a box of cookies and a whole lot of tea. “Desserts on me!” Ma’am. She sits down and starts to spin her tale of Tanya’s fiancé and, honestly, it just sounds like Paul was acting like a dude in a club. Paul told the Cookie Lady (yes, she has a name, but no one seems interested in calling her Shiana) that he was single and that he works in real estate. Tanya knows this is likely false, but everyone who’s anyone knows her fiancé is in technology. Not exactly the part to latch on to, but okay? The most Paul did was ask the Cookie Lady to come back to his table and chat with him. Also, part of this thrilling story is that “at one point, we lost interest in each other.” That is also my favorite plot point in the film Unfaithful, when the forbidden lovers “lose interest in each other.”
Tanya is not pressed; everything the Cookie Lady is describing either sounds fake or fine to her. Maybe nightclubs are a free space for Tanya and Paul, along with Carnival and Benihana. Tanya thinks the whole thing is dead, and Cynthia wants it known that she didn’t seek out this info. So Kenya and Cynthia leave with the Cookie Lady behind them, and Eva is just left snacking on the cookies. The cookie was good.
Dennis and Porsha are heading to therapy after a couple weeks off and, man, oh man. What is the appeal of Dennis? What is he doing for Porsha? Because he’s upset that she’s asking him questions about his cheating and keeps insisting that she has work to do, too. The “issue” that “caused” him to cheat was she was … let me check my notes … pregnant. Porsha is worried about getting their sex life back to where it was. She’s nervous to trust him in that very intimate way, but she knows that their “lack of sex” “drove” him to cheat before. She’s having to trust him or rush her feelings so she can … trust him. Dennis isn’t able to find something to tell her so she can trust him quite yet. He says it’s kinda awkward. Sir, you have a baby. Figure it out.
Up next, Kandi and Todd start out having a conversation about how to decorate the nursery but end up talking about how Mama Joyce wants Kandi to leave the children and the assets to her in case Kandi dies. Where did that come from? And, quite frankly, I’m unsure how this fits into the plot, so I’m choosing to ignore it.
Cynthia heads over to L.A. to hang out with Mike Hill and his 19 female friends. Mike seems to have two male friends who hang out quietly in the corner and 19 female friends who quip and snark about his bad past behavior. Cynthia doesn’t seem too worried about the dynamic, but it is weird. She just wants to make sure that Mike hasn’t slept with any of them because they’re all pretty. Trust me, if a woman was friends with a hot single guy, she’d figure it out and wouldn’t wait until he had a fiancé to get with him. Mike says he doesn’t have very many male friends because he’s a tough judge of character, and he doesn’t want his female friends to be around creeps. I believe that’s what he thinks, but I also think that’s the strangest thing I’ve ever heard. Cynthia asks how Mike used to be before she met him and if he was as much of a jerk as he says. He’s writing a tell-all book, but she hasn’t read it. Maybe she needs to …
Mike takes this opportunity to talk about how he’s cheated on his past relationships, how he’s never really been in love, and how he did awful things to the mothers of his children … in front of his teenage daughter. Please, Housewives, stop having your actual kids around for conversations that are above their pay grades. Kayla runs out crying, and Mike sends everyone home. He goes to check on Kayla with Cynthia, and it’s not going great. In true teenage fashion, Kayla says there’s nothing he can do, and Cynthia and Mike are just going to have to figure it out.
Next week, NeNe is throwing a jungle murder-themed party, so get ready for that.
