I was an early Summer House adopter and it has always been my happy place, not just because it is the home to my imaginary husband Kyle McGill Cooke. The last few seasons have been a little bit rough, but it’s finally back to just leaving me with the warm fuzzies again. I just want to chill with this party posse, have a nice dinner with them, drink too many Loverboys, and, if I’m lucky, see Kyle run laps around the backyard without pants and displaying his gorgeous ass the color of fresh snow.
Whenever there is something wrong (or right!) with a reality show, it comes down to casting, and this year they nailed it. Most fans are obsessed with West, the best new addition to the house since Paige cruised in on season three with that weird dude no one really liked. But I also think Jesse Solomon (always both names!) isn’t getting his due. Yes, he’s handsome and fun, but my first impression was that he’s a little douchey. That’s still true, but I’m learning to look past it because he has a skill that is utterly invaluable to this whole enterprise: Jesse Solomon is a little bit of a shit-stirrer. I mean this as a compliment. We see him asking Carl if Lindsay apologized to him about negating his sobriety, asking the other guys what is going on with their relationship, and asking West probing questions about Ciara and his employment status after getting laid off.
Poor West got laid off and is upset that another outlet didn’t just scoop him up like he was a puddle of kittens. Listen, West, as one media professional to another: You will get laid off, man. We all are. We all have been and we all will again. It’s what happens when you decide to make a dying industry your home. And as fewer outlets have the money to afford quality journalists, it’s harder and harder to get a job. This has nothing to do with your skills or your value and you should not take it personally. Also, don’t be afraid to talk about it because, like I said, literally every single person working in media, with maybe the exception of Anna Wintour, has dealt with the same thing. My advice — and I got laid off three years in a row right before Memorial Day — is to just enjoy your summer. No one is hiring until September; the beach house is already paid for; just date a hot girl, have a blast, and rejoin the workforce once the leaves start to turn.
So, back to this here television program that I love. The episode starts with Lindsay returning from storming out the front gate because she was almost run over by a mail truck while walking on the side of the road. When you enter Maine, there is a sign that says “Break for Deer” and a number of how many people have died that year from hitting deer. They have a similar sign in the Hamptons, but it says “Break for Drunk Ladies” because you know dozens get into a strop each summer, try to hoof it to Provisions to get a sandwich and some canned wine, and never make it back home. It’s dangerous out there, so please watch out for the Lindsays of the world terrorizing the Hamptons from the shoulders of the roads.
There’s no time for Lindsay and Carl to fight because the crew is camping out in the backyard. Danielle kicks off a tent-building competition that she and Kyle win handily, with only West and Lindsay as competitors. West says that if he had to survive in the wilderness and pick one person from the group to help him, it would be Lindsay. Just imagine if Lindsay was in Maine and ran into one of the moose from the sign. She would just look it in the eye and make a face that says, “You better get the fuck out of here right now,” and that two-ton animal would turn on its back hoof and run away.
The tent-making leads everyone to play a silly game of truth or dare where my Kyley-poo got his bum out and paraded it around for all to see, even though I think he did this for me personally. Then everyone sleeps in the tents. West and Ciara continue their romance and have a cute make out where Ciara keeps slapping West’s fat ass (complimentary), and I have never wanted my face to be a hand so much in my life. (Seriously, Kyle, it’s not cheating if it’s all my imagination, so calm the F down.)
Gabby is the only one who sleeps in the house, and this woman knows what she is doing. I am way too old to be sleeping on that hard-ass floor when there is a wonderful warm bed in the A/C waiting for me just steps away. When it starts raining, everyone abandons this game and heads inside. This is when Amanda uses camping to try to convince Kyle to move to New Jersey with her. Oh, Kyle, you in danger, girl. The thing is, you can take a girl out of New Jersey, but you can’t take the New Jersey out of the girl. Like salmon, they have to return to where they were born in order to spawn, so it looks like a suburban life for the two of them where she shops at Envy and Kyle goes to Frank Catania Sr.’s dispensary just to deal with ennui of not being in the city. Of course, I think this is a terrible plan. Stay in the city, all of you.
That includes Paige, who is looking for a bigger apartment in Manhattan and will pay up to $9,000 a month for one. Damn, sis. Giggly Squad must be doing better than we all think. Craig, her boyfriend, offers to give her more money for a “sweet” apartment, which is different from a suite apartment, but I don’t think he knows the difference. Paige won’t let him pay rent. It seems like her biggest issue is she doesn’t want him to make any decisions for her home. We’ve seen the empty pool in his desolate backyard before. I wouldn’t let that man decorate either.
The craziest thing about this episode, though, is that someone seems to have swapped the Craig Conover that we know and love with a wise, intelligent, and mature person. Is this the same body double they used for both Melania Trump and Kate Middleton because this can’t be our Craig? When Kyle asks him about his relationship with Paige, Craig says that he’s working on his mental and physical health so that he can be the best person whether or not things work out with Paige. Kyle thinks this means Craig has doubts about their relationship. I think the opposite. I think this shows Craig doing what is best for himself rather than for a girlfriend (like James Kennedy getting a string of ultimatums from his partners) so that he’s a better person regardless. Yes, he wants it to work out, but he also knows that it’s work, and their being long distance makes it harder. This is not the Craig that we saw with Naomie all those years ago, and I’m so glad to see him flourishing and also shirtless because our Craigy is looking foooooooiiiiiiiinnnnnneeeee. (Again, Kyle, it’s not cheating if it’s in my head.)
While everyone in the house is having fun and showing me my happy place, it wouldn’t be Summer House without some drama, and that is all thanks to Carl and Lindsay. They kiss and make up after the camping night, but things are still fraught. When they all go to the world’s emptiest SoulCycle class, Ciara gives Carl some excellent advice. She says that the fighting and toxicity between the two reminds her of her parents who got divorced when she was young. “I’m not saying you shouldn’t get married, but you have to acknowledge this is what you’re getting for the rest of your life if this is where you’re at right now.” She should become a manicurist, because she hit that nail right on its head.
The next weekend, Lindsay tells everyone that Carl isn’t coming out until Saturday because he’s waiting for a special delivery to pull off the party’s theme. However, he tells the SoulCycle gang he is going to skip Friday so that he and Lindz won’t fight. It’s a bad sign when he lies to his fiancée because he thinks spending time with her alone will set them off again.
It’s also a bad sign when the boys sit in the hot tub talking about your relationship. Women, especially the women on this show, are always going to talk about their relationships and other people’s. Hello, that’s why I’m friends with them. Dudes are usually talking about sports, farting, how many beers they can crush, what kind of protein powder makes them fart the least, their jobs, and the smelliest fart they ever farted. Not here. Here, Jesse Solomon is asking what is up with Carl and Lindsay, and the guys are talking about how it seems they won’t make it. The guys! Honestly, they’re doomed just from that. But thank God we finally found the right combination of guys to make Summer House a place that shines once more.
