Adriana is wrong. I don’t know how many times or different ways we can say it, but she’s stupid for comparing her entirely fake sprain with the car accident that put Alexia’s son, Frankie, in a coma. Alexia says that Adriana is in a wheelchair for fake and her son Frankie was in a wheelchair for real. That sums it up.
But somehow, it gets even worse. As the women all shout at Adriana, Julia pipes up to defend her. Marysol tells Julia to St. Thomas Forensic University (you know, STFU), and Julia stands up, takes a bowl of ice, and, I don’t know, attacks Marysol with it somehow. What is she trying to do? Use her evil magic powers to turn Marysol into a glass of lemonade? Put the ice down her swimsuit top so that Marysol’s areolas will pop off and go flying through the air? I don’t know.
What’s worse is that, while the rest of the women walk away, Adriana is doubling down. She wants people to feel sorry for her because she can’t wheel her wheelchair on her own. Well, sis, that shouldn’t be a problem because that wheelchair, much like Patrick Stewart’s in X-Men, is nothing but a prop. Also, Adriana keeps saying, “I could have lost my foot.” Thank God for Dr. Nicole, the smartest, prettiest, best-dressed, blondest, most-educated, loving, sensible, and most honest voice of reason we have ever had. She tells Adriana, “What could have happened to you and what did happen to Alexia are not equal.”
That right there is a good friend. You know who else is a good friend? Ms. USSR 1990 Julia Lemigova, that’s who. After the beach blowup, where both sides of the debate say they don’t want to sit down for dinner with each other, Julia and Adriana are back in her room. “You were comparing your injury with what happened to her,” Julia tells her. “Own it. Apologize to her. Do not make it about anything else.” Holding your friend accountable, being empathetic to her, and telling her what she needs to do to legitimately make it better is the kind of behavior we need to see more of. Yes, you can be ride or die and still tell your friend she is wrong. Marysol should take notes if she’s sober enough to remember how a pencil works.
Speaking of good advice, I would like to welcome back to the stage Ms. Lea Black, one of the original castmates of The Real Housewives of Miami. Sure, her husband has defended such monsters as Jeffrey Epstein, William Kennedy Smith, Joe Francis, and Justin Bieber, but I have always loved Lea, and I wish she was around more often. Lisa goes to visit Lea at her house, and Lea has all of her products neatly arranged on her front table as if she knew this would be her only infomercial of the season. “Oh, Lisa. Welcome. You look like shit. Try my skin-care line. And while you wait for the mask to settle, read my book. When you’re done, here, try on my jewelry. Thanks, Lisa!”
Lisa tells us that she and Lea have grown really close since the divorce, and Lisa is trying to give her advice. “You don’t want to be married to that man!” Lea shouts, reminding Lisa that Lenny never treated her as an equal and always wanted the money and the power in the relationship. Lea asks Lisa if she would take Lenny back, and when Lisa equivocates, she shouts in her nasal whine, “The answer is hell no!” Lisa seems like she needed all these reminders from Lea. What is going on with Housewives being smart and mature all of a sudden? This is great for their lives, but really bad for our shows.
Luckily, back in the Bahamas, dinner is going just as you think it might. Nicole calls reception and gets the group two tables with six seats each so that the women can be separated. I hate when a show comes down to explicit sides like this. Julia and Adriana are at one table celebrating Julia’s 50th birthday. Alexia, Marysol, Larsa, and Kiki are at another table celebrating Kiki’s birthday. Guerdy and Dr. Nicole are playing the part of Lisa and Lenny’s kids. You know, going back and forth between people that hate each other and not being happy at all.
The moment when the “mean girls” clique of Alexia and crew walks by Julia and Adriana and barely says hi is more awkward than sharing your screen on Zoom and your OnlyFans page is open. What I don’t love, though, is Alexia saying that Adriana and Julia both need a good fuck and they would be more fun. Okay, we know Adriana isn’t putting out, but how do we know what is going on with Martina and Julia? They could be fucking every night. Martina could be as insatiable in bed as she is on the court. We don’t know! What I hate is the implication from Alexia that sex needs to include a dick if it’s going to be valid. Please. I am sticking up for my lesbian sisters in struggle (and all other non-penis-having sexual congress) to tell Alexia that the D does not make the world go around.
By the time Adriana gets to dinner, mostly thanks to Julia’s intervention, she knows that she needs to apologize. Guerdy goes to the mean girls and asks if Adriana can come over and say something. They all immediately shoot her down. Larsa says, “You can’t say a mean thing and just be like, ‘Oh, I’m sorry.’” Wait, isn’t that just what Larsa did when she made that comment about Nicole fucking everyone in the hospital? Isn’t that what Alexia did when she made up all that ish about Adriana’s boyfriend being married? Oh, no, she didn’t, because Alexia still hasn’t apologized for that and never will. I’m not saying what Adriana did was right, but she seems to be very remorseful for a change, and I think, for the sake of peace, the women could have figured it out for a night.
Back in Miami, Adriana is hosting a big party for her music-video release. Even though the whole cast showed up to film it (and somehow, Kiki got mystery Burger King), none of the mean girls show up to the release party. Julia is there with some braids in her hair like she got lost on her way to Burning Man. Guerdy and Dr. Nicole are there. Every gay who has ever said, “Yasss, diva,” to Adriana is there, but not Marysol, Alexia, Larsa, or Kiki, who are all hiding out at Marysol’s house to make Adriana feel bad. They also want a second date with Navid, the caviar king and all-around dream boat.
Poor Adriana could have used the support. What even is this video? It’s just Adriana roaming around rubbing up on various muscle gays as if she’s trying to seduce them, but we all know that the Speedos they’re wearing smell like Boy Butter and Double Scorpio, and they’re putting “Read Profile” as their Grindr headline. She did look good, though. Just not good enough to bark up the wrong tree.
While I feel bad for Adriana, the last scene of the episode really makes me uncomfortable. Lisa takes the kids to some arts-and-crafts place and meets her mother-in-law, Marina, there. I get that Lisa is trying to get some kind of upper hand on Lenny, an overly bulbous doorknob covered in lube that you can’t seem to turn, by getting his own mother on her side, but I think it’s a tactic that’s kind of gross. Also, you’re never going to convince a mother that her son is wrong. Sure, Marina might be #TeamLisa for a bit, but she’s always going back to what is from her loins.
As Lisa tries to get Marina to hate her son for kicking Lisa out of her house and moving the mistress in, Marina starts to defend her son, as is natural. I don’t like that she’s blaming Lisa for the divorce and using things she heard from Lenny to back up her points, but Lisa is overreaching here. Even if she brings the kids to see their grandmother, keep it light and simple. Don’t get into the divorce. Lisa tells Marina she is uncomfortable and is met with a steely stare, a flat rock face of defiance, the face of a woman who can’t possibly love her son, but she does anyway because sometimes the wrong answer is the only one needed.
