Amidst all the spanking, chastity breaks out

Amidst all the spanking, chastity breaks out

If family-friendly Las Vegas is looking for a new tourism slogan, thanks to “The Real World” they can now use the shorthand, “From Frank to Brynn, there’s something for everyone!” Because these two are clearly the two poles of human behavior in this city right now: The uptight prude, and the irresponsible hedonist. If anyone is looking to remake “Green Acres” in Sin City, I’ve found your stars.

We began the Nov. 26 episode with Frank at a strip club attempting to make small talk with a dancer while she jabbed her crotch and breasts into his face. The way he squirmed you’d think her bikini was dipped in anthrax. Frank looked about as in place at the club as a duck at a jai alai game.

This led to his pledging that he would find a “good girl” in Vegas. It didn’t take long: He stumbled on pure, all-American Melanie in the Palms casino. Just the fact that she didn’t have her own underwear in her pocket and wasn’t hooked up to an I.V. of rum punch made her seem like Donna Reed compared to the people he’d met through his roommates. (Not to mention the fact that she seemed uncomfortable in front of the cameras: now there’s a first in the “Real World” sphere!)

Frank may take it slow sexually, but he’s quick on everything else. In their first conversation, he was talking marriage and bachelor party. He then brought Melanie up to the penthouse and squired her into the confessional for a little smooching. (A little antiseptic, closed-lipped kissing, I might add. Compare this to Trishelle, who uses tongue when she’s blotting her lipstick.)

After Brynn was convinced she saw a naked ass when she accidentally walked in, Arissa — scarred from Alton’s dalliance in the hot tub — started banging on the door, yelling at whoever it was (none assumed it was the chaste Frank) that “this is a communal space and take your skank out of here!” At one point she got the door open, and Frank slammed it on her, a bang on the head that was replayed in slow motion, as if to make up for the fact that there was no footage of the other kind of banging in this episode.

After Melanie left, mortified, Frank calmly explained to Arissa why he was upset, and that they had only been kissing, and she apologized and cried, and even later told Melanie on the phone that she was sorry. Frank seems to be a good influence on the house, which makes me wonder if the producers ever tried to get him kicked out. If his pay-it-forward crap caught on, who would bring home skanks?

Thank goodness for Brynn, who is the antidote for all things polite. Brynn doesn’t like her job: Yes, it involves shaking her ass and drinking, but sometimes they ask her to go outside her expertise by actually promoting the parties beforehand, and that is too much to ask. She even missed a group meeting, which led to some lectures on job dedication from Irulan.

This was strange since Irulan herself was refusing to participate in the “Lust” skits, which involved licking whipped cream off each other. The ever-classy Marc said that the group came up with the “skit” ideas, so she had to follow through, which, yes, is TECHNICALLY a valuable employment tenet. Then again, when you’re paying 21-year-olds to spank each other for an audience, aren’t all work ethics rendered moot?

Thanks to the group’s slackery, turnout was low at the party, but it was Vegas’ loss: Folks missed the kooky antics of nurse Trishelle, randy patient Frank, and drag-queen Alton! Frank said, “I hope that the crowd realizes that it’s humorous,” but there was little chance of that. (Unless, of course, the crowd had come straight from the Sinbad show at Caesar’s Palace, then who knows what they’d giggle at?)

Marc liked the skits (he would, wouldn’t he), but was disappointed by the turnout, and assembled the septet to tell them that they were burning themselves out. “Every time you say something positive, it’s followed by a negative,” whined Brynn, who is just looking for evidence to support her theory that working is lose-lose. “That’s crushing us!” She’s got a point: When she’s go-go dancing, the patrons don’t yell, “Nice ass! But you really should be gyrating it counterclockwise.” No, that would destroy morale!

Marc has arranged for the team to spend a day at a teamwork seminar, which is like sending Al Qaeda members to sensitivity training. Although, there has been one sign of teamwork: Trishelle is late with her period, and her roomies suspect she might be pregnant with Stephen’s baby. While there is no “I” in “team,” there is an M-A. Where’s Frank’s chastity vow when you need it?