Hit List: Jan. 13, 2012

Idol judge Steven Tyler confirms engagement to girlfriend
At least we think that’s what ”Well, hellfire, save matches, f— a duck, and see what hatches when l finish that off with a double helping of ooh, yeah!” means.

One of DeLoreans from Back to the Future trilogy sells for $541,200 at auction
The new owner felt totally comfortable forking over that much dough after test-driving it to 2026 and getting it appraised for double that amount.

Simian controversy: Famous chimp that died may not be 80 years old…or Cheetah from Tarzan movies
Meanwhile, in a shady warehouse, Matt LeBlanc held a stale banana to the throat of the simian from Ed and muttered, ”No one’s ever going to find out our little secret, got it?”

Kelly Clarkson blasted on Twitter for endorsing Ron Paul, but record sales increase
Apparently ”My Life Would Suck Without Libertarian Economic Theory and Dubious Newsletters” was catchier than I thought.

Snooki, Michele Bachmann on list of science-challenged celebs
Both are fighting back, though: Bachmann denied the list exists, while Snooki had sex with it.

Lady Gaga and Mayor Bloomberg share New Year’s Eve kiss
Guess we’re using the Mayan calendar this year!

Cee Lo Green angers fans of John Lennon by changing ”Imagine” lyric from ”And no religion, too” to ”And all religion’s true”
Don’t sweat it, Cee Lo. Who gives a forget what they think?

Oscars considering other venues than Kodak Theatre
How about different lengths of telecast as well? I hear 2:30 is great! And you owe it to yourself to check out 1:55!

Kings of Leon’s Caleb Followill to be dad
You have sex on fire, you’re gonna have to deal with the consequences.

John Legend gets engaged to model in Maldives
Oh, and congrats to you, too, on proposing to your bank-teller girlfriend at the Cheesecake Factory!