Mirion Malle’s “So Long Sad Love”
ALTOn July 14, I’m giving the closing keynote for the fifteenth HACKERS ON PLANET EARTH, in QUEENS, NY. Happy Bastille Day! On July 20, I’m appearing in CHICAGO at Exile in Bookville.
In Mirion Malle’s So Long Sad Love, a graphic novel from Drawn and Quarterly, we get an all-too-real mystery story: when do you trust the whisper network that carries the fragmentary, elliptical word of shitty men?
https://drawnandquarterly.com/books/so-long-sad-love/
Cleo is a French comics creator who’s moved to Montreal, in part to be with Charles, a Quebecois creator who helps her find a place in the city’s tight-knit artistic scene. The relationship feels like a good one, with the normal ups and downs, but then Cleo travels to a festival, where she meets Farah, a vivacious and talented fellow artist. They’re getting along great…until Farah discovers who Cleo’s boyfriend is. Though Farah doesn’t say anything, she is visibly flustered and makes her excuses before hurriedly departing.
This kicks off Cleo’s hunt for the truth about her boyfriend, a hunt that is complicated by the fact that she’s so far from home, that her friends are largely his friends, that he flies off the handle every time she raises the matter, and by her love for him.
There’s a term for men like Charles: a “missing stair.” “Missing stair” is a metaphor for someone in a social circle who presents some kind of persistent risk to the people around them, who is accommodated rather than confronted:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Missing_stair
The metaphor goes like this: you’re at a party and every time someone asks where the bathroom is, another partygoer directs them to the upper floor and warns them that one of the stairs is missing, and if they don’t avoid that tread, they will fall through and be gravely injured. In this metaphor, a whole community of people have tacitly decided to simply accept the risk that someone who is forgetful or new to the scene will fall through the stair – no one has come forward to just fix that stair.
The origins of this term are in BDSM circles, and the canonical “missing stair” is a sexual predator, but from the outset, it’s referred to all kinds of people with failings that present some source of frustration or unhappiness to those around them, from shouters to bigots to just someone who won’t help do the dishes after a dinner party:
https://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/06/missing-stair.html
We all know a few missing stairs, and anyone who’s got even a little self-reflexivity must wonder from time to time if they’re not also a missing stair, at least to some people in their lives. After all, friendship always entails some accommodation, and doubly so love – as Dan Savage is fond of saying, “There is no person who is ‘The One’ for you – the best you can hope for is the '0.6’ that you can round up to 'The One,’ with a lot of work.”
And at least some missing stairs aren’t born – they’re made. Everyone screws up, everyone’s got some bad habits, everyone’s got some blind spots about what others expect of them and how others perceive us. When the people around us make bad calls about whether to let us skate on our faults and when to confront us, those faults fester and multiply and calcify. This is compounded in long-tenured relationships that begin in our youth, when we are still figuring out our boundaries – the people who we give a pass to when we’re young and naive can become a fixture in our lives despite characteristics that, as adults, we wouldn’t tolerate in someone who is new to our social scene.
To make all this even more complicated, there’s the role that power plays in all this. Many missing stairs are keenly attuned to power dynamics and present a different face to people who have some authority – whether formal or tacit – to sanction them. This is why so many of the outings of #MeToo predators provoked mystified men to say, “Gosh, they never acted that way around me – I had no idea.”
