Originalists steadfastly defend the Founding Fathers’ vision against any new information. But what about the Founding Fathers’ fathers? They deserve equal respect, lest we succumb to the barbarism of the recently living. The Grandfounders battered principles into their few legitimate sons; our movement, Meta-Originalism, keeps the full lineage of political genius alive. And we don’t repeat the originalists’ mistake of conjecture. Our partners at the Thiel Institute have helped us simulate the Grandfounders’ thoughts on today’s biggest issues (or, rather, one big issue). We meta-originalists hope that politicians, legal scholars, and the peasantry take these words to heart. They carry the weight of history, the one force that can stop the future.
Augustine Washington (father of George Washington)
“If you had privacy rights, George would have spelled them out. That boy was born a leader, and he let all our property know exactly where they stood. Every blow made me prouder to be his father. His hand was made to hold a whip, and you’re lucky to taste it.”
Peter Jay (father of John Jay)
“Politics! I know all about politics. Including abortion. Abortions are very important politics. The solution’s obvious, of course. Just give me a week or two to do some reading. Can I come back to you, or is this urgent?”
James Madison, Sr. (father of James Madison)
“Of course Jimmy forgot about privacy. The other drunks made him write that dead-end rag while touring every brothel in Philadelphia. Does it matter? Just bin it with the Articles and Native peace treaties. Honestly, first drafts were never Jimmy’s strong suit. If only he had some of George’s vim. Now there’s a hand made to hold a whip.”
Benedict Arnold III (father of Benedict Arnold IV)
“Abortion’s a mood-killer. You sound like my children, always focussed on the negative. ‘You blacked out’ this or ‘you kicked a priest’ that. Here’s some advice you can use: the trick to life is reading the wind. Throw in with winners and you’ll always be healthier and happier.”
John Henry (father of Patrick Henry)
“Patience. Biblical history shows that, in times of tumult, God directly declares his will in unambiguous terms. Do away with these judges, join hands, and wait for flaming letters in the sky. Anything else is simple idolatry.”
James Hamilton (father of Alexander Hamilton)
“Let the women do as they please. If Rachel had options, I wouldn’t have had to endure my useless son’s overwritten poetry about his even more useless son. Your boy loses a duel, just move on and raise the next one with a spine. A man should, if nothing else, teach his son how to win a proper draw. Shameful.”
Deacon John Adams, Sr. (father of John Adams)
“Involving three women in the decision has already enraged God, and will require serious penance. Spend your mornings in prayer and self-flagellation; afternoons in thanks for not being born among the tribals. In the evenings, back to flagellation. Then you may quibble over offspring. I suggest law school—the boy seems to enjoy it.”
Thomas Marshall (father of John Marshall)
“You’re citing Matthew Hale? I didn’t hang teen-age deserters just for you to puff up English jurists. We have our own domestic-violence skeptics, why not elevate them? Try to remember what we fought for while keeping the little people in line.”
George Mason III (father of George Mason IV)
“The unborn own no land, so be conservative in their representation. Otherwise, you’ll get the gutter folk whispering. On another note, I assume Sonia, Elena, and Amy are now gentlemen’s names? Otherwise, we have a far larger problem.”
Josiah Franklin (father of Benjamin Franklin)
“Abortions need an internationally enforced price cap. I’ve subsidized several, none involving my daughter-in-law. Every cent that lightning rods and bifocals earned us went straight to French doctors, and my savings are next.”
Peter Jefferson (father of Thomas Jefferson)
“Whatever makes mingling in the slave quarters easier. I always tell Thomas that it’s a complex issue—you can keep a few mulattoes around the house for novelty, but never enough to organize the field. I’m sure you’ll find a compromise.” ♦