It’s important to have a solid morning routine. Without one, life can feel chaotic and meaningless, as opposed to structured and meaningless.
I personally follow a strict routine every single day. For starters, I awake at the exact same time—anywhere between 10 A.M. and 2 P.M. Before getting up, I like to lie under the covers for thirty minutes meditating, which is really just a fancy word for “falling back asleep.”
After my post-sleep nap, I’m ready to start my day. I even have a routine for how I get out of bed. First, I place my left foot on the floor, then my right foot, and then I let out one long, drawn-out scream as I remember that I always leave thumbtacks and broken shards of glass lying around my bedroom, to thwart potential intruders.
If you’re anything like me, you need a big cup of coffee before you can even think about tackling your to-do list. (Also, you live in a constant state of fear and paranoia.) And, if you’re nothing like me, you’re not the least bit terrified of the birds that always suspiciously congregate outside your window and stare at you all day, judging. While the coffee’s brewing, I like to spend a few minutes visualizing everything that I hope to accomplish that day, starting with my late-morning, pre-caf nap.
Once I’ve polished off an entire pot of coffee and I can smell colors, it’s time to conduct my morning business. No, I’m not talking about checking on my investments—I’ll leave my Pokémon cards under my bed for now—I’m talking about answering nature’s call. I know it’s not a pleasant thing to discuss, but it’s part of any healthy morning routine. If you don’t go, you will die. At least, that’s what my doctor told me when I held it for two weeks after a bird flew in through my bathroom window.
By now, I’ll have worked up quite an appetite. Call me a creature of habit, but I tend to eat the same food every day. It helps eliminate some of the stress of decision-making, and it insures that I always reach my caloric and macronutrient goals. Now, I know what you’re probably thinking: Doesn’t eating the same thing day in and day out get boring? No, it doesn’t, especially since there are countless varieties of Hot Pockets, including breakfast, lunch, and dinner offerings.
Next on the agenda is to work up a good sweat. One way to do this is through rigorous exercise. Another, less physically taxing way to do it is by putting on all the clothes you own and cranking the thermostat as high as it goes. In no time, you’ll be drenched from head to toe and dangerously lightheaded—the classic runner’s high! Without all that uncomfortable running. Afterward, I hop in the shower and let out another blood-curdling scream. (I also leave sharp objects in the shower in case a killer tries hiding behind the curtain—you can never be too safe.)
Lastly, I make an effort to take in a bit of nature every morning. Studies show that nature has a calming effect on the mind, but those same studies say nothing about where your daily dose of nature should come from. Which is why I feel confident that I’m reaping the full benefits of Mother Gaia by watching any movie that has trees or a bit of grass in it—which, fortunately, is most of them, including “Kill Bill: Volume 1” and “Kill Bill: Volume 2.”
You may be wondering, With such a highly regimented routine, how do you ever find time to hold down a job? Personally, I’ve always felt that work just gets in the way of a good routine. Perhaps one day I’ll find a career that can accommodate my carefully curated life style. Something less nine-to-five and more two-ish-to-four-ish. But, until then, I’ll just keep doing what works for me. ♦