The History of Group Projects

Dearest Adam:

I hate to waste bark on an extra note, but I want to make sure we’re on the same fig leaf.

In Year Zero, when we divided up duties (or privileges, as the Holy Father calls them), you chose serpent-slaying. In fact, you insisted on it. You promised to “make the first boots” out of anything that slithered past the gate.

That was charming, but I need you to follow through. Not to point fingers, but it’s looking a little serpenty around here. Lots of missing mice and shed skin on the ground. To say nothing of the black clouds spelling out “I AM THE GREAT DEVOURING SERPENT.” That’s trouble.

I love sharing garden duties with you. But it has to be just that: sharing. Not me gardening and you chewing hallucinogenic flowers. You know I’m ophidiophobic. I’d probably say or eat anything to get rid of a snake. If you won’t do it for God, do it for me.

We’re a team. Don’t leave me holding the first bag.

Hey, Paris:

Hope this scroll finds you well. If not, have the messenger flogged. I know that makes you feel better after a tough battle.

Just a quick reminder that we still have to thoroughly inspect that wooden monstrosity the Greeks dropped off this morning. You have the password, so I can’t get past the guards without you.

I’m glad things are going well with Helen, but we were just at war with her ex. Let’s bring this thing home.

P.S.: Did you see Achilles fight that river? Lunacy. Thank Apollo we’re done with that.

Dear James (Idiot) Longstreet:

You call this a terrain map? This garbage is the closest I’ve come to questioning the white man’s place in the natural order. Any of your slaves could have done a better job.

This forest full of cover you drew between us and the Yankees? It doesn’t exist. I can only assume that you’re just trying to practice drawing trees. Very pretty, James. It’s a shame any soldier charging that gap will be blasted into nothing.

Perhaps you don’t read the papers, but this battle is slightly important. It will determine if Yankee morale survives the summer, along with most of our men. Please pull your weight.

Unfortunately, there’s no time to redo these maps. We have to show Lee something. Just remember that, tomorrow night, every dead patriot will be on your head. Woe to the fools sent to eke a victory out of this.

Hello, Jonas:

Beautiful, isn’t she? The grandest commercial dirigible the world has ever seen. And, after her second transatlantic tour dazzles the doubters, there are sure to be many more. Jules Verne’s race is on, and we’ll win it.

All you need to do is watch the pressure gauge.

Easy, right? While officials run around navigating, herding passengers, and checking the water tanks, just keep an eye on a dial. Just give us one active, open, awake eye. Please.

earestday ethelyay:

ouyay ademay uresay isthay inelay isn’t appedtay, ightray?

Dear Omega D5:

Everyone screws up. When I joined the Council, I recommended contacting a race of sentient, spacefaring locusts. Believe me, it took centuries to clean up that mess. I still can’t sleep without an electrified mosquito net.

But bringing back those humans? A little more than a screwup. Introducing them to our lives has been nothing short of apocalyptic. An apocalypse it was your specific job to prevent.

I know that fact-checking isn’t as fun as First Contact. But it would have helped to know if a species was dim enough to fight two world wars. With that kind of planet, we should have taken a wait-and-see attitude. Or vaporized them from orbit.

Now we don’t have either option. There are humans in every space station, starting new religions and coughing on endangered sentients. Last week, one of them landed on a Council territory and declared it “New Texas.” We vivisected him quickly, but there are certain to be more on the way.

I encourage you to adopt a more fastidious attitude. Get into details. When you find a new species, ask: Did they take fascism seriously? How many genocides per decade do they commit? Are their leaders the loudest, most sociopathic members of their hives? Did they invent nukes before nonstick pans? The galaxy will be better for it.