Disastrous: That’s how Jason Clawson describes his first few dates after the death of his wife Valerie.
"It was clear I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I’d just cry and talk about much I missed her,” Jason, a therapist in Utah, tells TODAY.com.
Jason decided to focus his energy on healing and helping others instead. Together with sons Boston and Cooper, now 17 and 11, Jason began gifting what he called “sunshine baskets” to people in their community who had experienced a loss.
Jason had promised Valerie, as she was dying of cancer, that he would marry again — she was worried he would be lonely. But he needed time.
“I don’t think we ever lose grief, I think it just loosens its grasp. There is still life to be had, and there are miracles. There is still joy to be experienced.
Kirsten ClawsoN on finding love after loss
“It was therapeutic for all of us,” Jason says."We all needed to grieve and do the work."
Jason, now 47, began sharing pictures of his family delivering the boxes, filled with cheerful yellow items, and quickly became known as the “Sunshine Guy” in a support group forum for widows and widowers.
Kirsten Clawson remembers being moved by Jason's posts.
“I would comment about how inspiring it was that he was serving others in the midst of his grief,” Kirsten, 46, tells TODAY.com.
Kirsten lost her husband Cody to acute myeloid leukemia in 2020, a year after Jason’s wife had died of colon cancer. Both had cancers that were resistant to chemotherapy, and both died within nine months of their diagnosis.
After her husband died, Kirsten, who was living in Idaho, says she reluctantly created a profile on a dating app with the encouragement of a girlfriend.
“She was like, “You’ve got to be open to the idea of finding love again,’” Kirsten says. At the time, she says, she just wanted her sweet Cody back.
“I didn’t meet Cody until I was well into my 30s, and I’d had some really difficult dating experiences,” she says. “There were several periods in my life where I just stopped dating all together because it was so awful.”
In the days before he died, Cody had made it clear to Kirsten that he wanted her to move on.
“He said, ‘I’m gonna get to the other side and I’m going to find you a family that needs you,” Kirsten says.
When Kirsten got a Facebook request from Jason, she didn’t read too much into it.
“He’s one of those people who friends everyone,” Kirsten explains.
Then, they matched on the dating app.
After they both swiped right, Kirsten and Jason spent weeks — 60 hours to be exact, Kirsten kept track! — getting to know each other over the phone.
“These were not trivial conversations. We were talking about the trauma of walking our spouses to the end of their life,” Kirsten says.
In September 2021, Kirsten flew to Utah to meet Jason in person. Their first date was at a Thai restaurant, and Kirsten remembers she was trembling.
“I was so nervous,” Kirsten says. “He recognized how nervous I was and just reached out and gently grabbed my arm and held it, and I immediately calmed right down.”
“There was an instant connection,” Jason says.
Two months later, Jason proposed to Kirsten as his sons watched, smiling. Like their dad, Boston and Cooper adored Kirsten from day one.
At Jason and Kirsten's wedding reception, there were framed photos of Cody and Valerie on a table. In their home, you’ll find a number of keepsakes from each, including all of Cody’s shoes.
“He loved his shoes and I can’t part with them,” Kirsten says. “And Jason still can’t part with the bag that Valerie would take to her cancer treatments.”
Boston and Cooper snuggle with custom photo blankets featuring their mom.
"Valerie and Cody are always with us," Jason says.
Kirsten wonders if Valerie and Cody had something to do with the “miracle” baby she and Jason welcomed in December 2022.
“I was convinced I was going to lose the pregnancy. I had two miscarriages when I was married to Cody and was told that I couldn’t have children,” Kirsten says.
At age 44, Kirsten gave birth to daughter Maisie. The baby was a suprise and conceived without reproductive assistance.
“The way she’s mended our hearts, especially the boys, it just had to be orchestrated celestially,” Kirsten says.
Together, Kirsten and Jason run the Instagram account Light After Grief, where they share grief resources and support tools.
“I don’t think we ever lose grief, I think it just loosens its grasp,” Kirsten says. “There is still life to be had, and there are miracles. There is still joy to be experienced after tragedy and we are proof of that."
