The Rise of the Counter-Proposal—And How to Do It

Engagements have traditionally followed a familiar formula: one proposal, one engagement ring. While this ritual holds plenty of nostalgia and charm, it’s hard to deny its very gendered roots and one-sided nature. To that end, it’s no surprise that when queer folks obtained the right to legally marry, they also expanded the custom to create a more equal exchange. While some will have a double proposal—where they ask each other to get married at one big planned moment—others will have two separate or counter-proposals. And, instead of just one engagement ring, there are usually two.

The practice makes sense. After all, what better way to start a lifelong partnership than with equal gestures of commitment and love? The idea has become so popular within the LGBTQ+ community, that some heterosexual couples are now integrating double proposals and double engagement jewelry into their engagements as well. “Counter proposals seem to be a mostly queer thing at the moment, but I hope they expand to all couples as I think each person in the relationship should have the special moment be celebrated, thought about, and proposed to,” says wedding planner Jove Meyer, who recently planned his own counter-proposal. “A marriage is a commitment of two people, so why not have two proposals, each with their unique details and personality based on your fiancé?”

Meyer was first proposed to by his partner Kyle Torrence. “Kyle planned the most thoughtful and beautiful proposal, which took me by complete surprise as I thought I was the one who was going to propose,” he shares. “We were in Palm Springs for Christmas, and our families were meeting for the very first time, so it never crossed my mind that he would propose then.” Torrence organized a beautifully styled event at the Korakia resort, arranged for Meyer’s best friend and a photographer Amber Gress to fly in, and gave him a custom Seb Brown signet ring with nine diamonds in a mix of colors and shapes. “The day after Kyle proposed to me I got to planning his counter proposal,” says Meyer. “I knew I wanted him to feel the way he made me feel, so I got to work!”

The wedding planner wanted to treat his fiancé to a counter proposal that was a personalized, grand gesture. The day after the Palm Springs proposal, Meyer ordered a Seb Brown ring Kyle said he loved and gave himself a timeline that would coordinate with the ring’s arrival. Since Torrence is a trained opera singer, Meyer worked with a friend who runs public programming at the Metropolitan Opera to plan a surprise proposal the night of the theater’s Friday Under 40 event for Romeo and Juliet. While Meyer told his fiancé that he had secured a private tour ahead of the performance, he withheld that he also orchestrated for Torrence’s parents to fly in from out of town and for photographer Corbin Gurkin to capture portraits.

Fashion also played into the day’s curation: “Since the proposal was happening at The Metropolitan Opera I knew I had to dress accordingly, so I reached out to my friend, designer Jackson Wiederhoeft, who kindly designed an outfit for me complete with the most amazing feather pants and brooch,” says Meyer. “Kyle loves to dress up and always does when he goes to The Metropolitan Opera, so I told him to dress to the nines. [He] wore an Acne suit with Prada shoes and a Prada bag.” The night went according to plan and Torrence was truly surprised in the big moment. “After he said yes, we sat for dinner at The Grand Tier, toasted with champagne, and enjoyed our meal before going in to see the show—the most iconic love story ever!”

Meyer advises that when planning a counter-proposal, it’s important to think creatively and prioritize your fiancé. “This is such a special moment for your partner, so lean into all of the things that make them happy so it is authentic to them,” he says. “There is no one way to plan a counter-proposal, [so] it should be whatever is best for you both and will create a lasting memory of your love and that moment.” Another tip from Meyer is not to feel as if your proposal must match or exceed the first one. “The goal is to make them feel as special as possible and that will likely be different than what they planned for you,” he says. “So do not compare or compete. Just do it from the heart!”

While organizing for friends and family to be part of the big moment can be exciting, don’t let their input supplant yours. “Keep the focus on your fiancé, plan with them in mind first, and then bring in friends and family,” notes Meyer. “Sometimes too many cooks in the kitchen don't get the job done—it just confuses it or slows it down.” However, he also says you don’t have to do it all alone. “If you're not a great planner or an organized person by nature, ask your friends, their friends, or hire someone to help you,” advises Meyer. “It can be a lot to plan a counter-proposal. There is no shame in asking for help!”

Finally, make sure the counter proposal stays a surprise. Even if they might be expecting it will come along, try to give your partner the thrill you experienced. “Be sure to cover your tracks and hide the planning from your partner,” recommends Meyer. “Also, try to do the planning when your fiancé is not around to leave no breadcrumbs for them.” If you want to maintain a surprise but still let your partner have input on their ring, ask them (or have a friend ask them) what they want. Alternatively, Meyers suggests, “Get a temporary one to use for the counter-proposal, and then create their ring with them, so they love it!”