DEAR CAROLINE: I am not coping with my husband's dementia
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Q I am 76 and my partner, who is 74, has Parkinson’s and dementia plus other medical issues. We have no family apart from his elder sister who has never even been to our house. I am not coping and have arranged for him to spend a week in a care home, but I feel guilty.
Some of the time he is lucid and charming, although he seems to think I’m a care worker. He sometimes doesn’t remember that we live in our house and thinks that he has one elsewhere.
When he’s in that mood he is insufferable and accuses me of lying. He is also being odd about money, despite having plenty and certainly more than me. Every month, we contribute to our joint account for groceries, etc, but he hates spending and I have to remind him to do it. I have financial power of attorney so I could move his money myself, but he would not be pleased. How do I cope?
A This is very hard for you.
I know that people struggle with making the decision to put a spouse or partner in a care home, even for a break. It can also remind them of their own stage of life and this can be difficult to confront. In addition, when a partner enters a home, the change can feel lonely.
Please try not to feel guilty, though. Caring for someone with both Parkinson’s and dementia is too much for any one person to cope with, and I suspect that you have been struggling with this for a long time. You sound exhausted and overwhelmed and, in fact, you will probably find that one week will be too short a respite.
It may make you realise how restricted your life has become.
If you continue as the only carer it will probably take a huge toll on your mental and physical health, so the time has come to consider getting a lot more help. Part-time or live-in carers at home, or even a permanent place in a care home are options to consider.
Dementia sufferers often become fixated on money, believing they don’t have enough even when there is plenty, but it is hard to know exactly at which stage to act for them since loss of mental capacity is gradual. This would involve taking over your partner’s bank accounts and, from what you say, it does sound as though he has reached this stage. You are clearly acting in his best interests and have to be able to pay for bills and groceries, so you need to have access to his money.
Please contact the Alzheimer’s Society Dementia Support Line (0333 150 3456) for advice on how to manage this.
You should also ask about what happens if, in the future, you need to make any major decisions about his health. Sadly, the views of civil partners are often not taken into account, even when a couple has been together for many years, unless you also have a health and welfare power of attorney.
How do I get him to leave his cheating girlfriend?
Q My son is 25 and, though quite shy, has previously had a couple of romances at university, each lasting a few months. For eight months he has been seeing a young woman he met at work who seemed lovely.
However, recently he was upset and admitted to me that she had cheated on him. Apparently it’s not the first time. I’m so angry that I want to confront her but I know I can’t. More concerning is that my son seems to have forgiven her. He says he loves her and that he knows she’s out of his league (she’s exceptionally pretty), but I am sure that she will hurt him again. How can I persuade him to end this relationship?
A This is upsetting for your son and therefore also for you. As his girlfriend has cheated on him more than once, I suspect she is not committed to this relationship so, in the long term, she will probably end it anyway, even if he doesn’t. However, it would be nice if he could be helped to see that he doesn’t need to settle for being treated badly.
He may think she’s ‘out of his league’ but because he is young, he’s perhaps overly influenced by her physical appearance. You probably can’t ‘persuade’ him to end it – he can only reach that decision himself – but you could help him come to understand that this relationship is not good for him.
You are right not to overtly criticise or confront her. So ask him gently about her: keep questions light and subtle and ask if he feels that she makes him happy. If he can come to see that she doesn’t, hopefully he will start to question this relationship more. Supporting him and raising his self-esteem is all you can do for now.
If you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on X/Twitter @Ask_Caroline_
Caroline reads all your letters but regrets she cannot answer each one personally.
