From dentists and Hogwarts to caramel wafers and the mini Moggs, we reveal the REAL election winners and losers
Forget the actual result, the election has thrown up all sorts of winners and losers, from Larry the Downing Street cat to JK Rowling. Here’s our none-too-rigorous guide to who should be celebrating today and who should be commiserating:
WINNERS
DENTISTS: Appointments will rocket after the damage caused by a nation grinding its teeth at the two most irritating voices in politics – Keir Starmer’s and Rachel Reeves’.
11-YEAR-OLDs: Who’ll be able to vote in the next election as 16-year-olds. So they can make an informed choice, swap their Minecraft game for sessions with heavyweight political science textbooks now!
THE MINI MOGGS (BELOW): No longer an MP, Jacob Rees-Mogg can spend more time with children Sixtus, Anselm, Alfred, Peter, Mary and Thomas – and wife Helena Anne Beatrix Wentworth Fitzwilliam de Chair.
BRENDA OF BRISTOL: With a Labour super-majority, Brenda, who famously exclaimed ‘Not another one!’ at the 2017 election, won’t have to face one for many years.
TREASURY TRAVOLTA: Liam Booth-Smith, 37, Rishi Sunak’s chief of staff, who got his nickname because of his penchant for leather jackets, has been given a peerage. As ex-EastEnders actor Nick Berry sang: Every Loser Wins...
SIGN MANUFACTURERS: Particularly those making ones which say ‘gender-neutral toilets’ or ‘You are entering a Ulez zone’.
NADINE DORRIES (BELOW): Cheered for telling Alastair Campbell on Election Night that he had ‘no authority to call others “liars’’ ’.
TOOLMAKERS: Apparently, the new PM’s father was one – though he doesn’t like to talk about it...
LAWYERS: Just imagine the zillions Starmer’s old colleagues could make from the lucrative legal work setting up quangos, renegotiating with Brussels and drawing up union-friendly employment laws and human rights legislation. Keir-ching!
EDE & RAVENSCROFT: London’s oldest tailor, dating from 1689, which will hire out ermine robes for the many new peers Labour will appoint. Less good news for the stoats supplying the ermine...
THE FEW REMAINING TORY MPs: Who’ll now be offered all kinds of inducements to back whichever leadership candidates come out to fight for the job like gulls over discarded chips.
PUTIN (BELOW): Because for Starmer ‘defence’ is for ‘de sitting on’.
OFCOM: The media regulator won’t have to deal with daily emails from Nigel Farage complaining that every show, from Question Time to Peppa Pig, is a biased establishment wokerati stitch-up against him.
TUNNOCK’S CARAMEL WAFERS (BELOW): Starmer will need to stock up on his favourite snack.
LOSERS
WOMEN: Now Britain has a Prime Minister who has struggled to say if a woman can have a penis.
LARRY THE DOWNING ST CAT (BELOW): As the mostly vegetarian Starmers have moved into No 10.
GARY LINEKER (BELOW): No longer has a Tory government to virulently tweet against. Back to flogging crisps, then...
CHESSINGTON WORLD OF ADVENTURES: Now Ed Davey isn’t doing his hourly photoshoot on a log flume.
JK ROWLING (BELOW): Less to do with gender issues, and more to do with Hogwarts now having to charge 20 per cent VAT on fees as a private school.
HOMERTON ACADEMICALS FC: The eight-a-side football team Starmer turns out for Sundays but will now be unlikely to join.
NEWSPAPER CARTOONISTS: Who now have to create savage caricatures of new Cabinet Ministers such as Jonathan Reynolds, Peter Kyle and Darren Jones and expect readers to know who they are.
LETTUCE JOKES: Liz Truss, below yesterday, whose 49 days in No 10 were compared to the shelf-life of a lettuce and sparked a flurry of gags. Example: ‘Q: Why did Liz Truss lose?. A: Cos’
Liz Truss pictured this morning as she lost her seat at the King's Lynn election count for South West Norfolk
THE GHOSTS of Robert The Bruce, William Wallace and Sean Connery: Scottish nationalism took a hell of a beating.
BOOKSTORES: Will now be inundated with dismal memoirs from ex-Ministers detailing exactly how the Tories would have won a landslide had Sunak only listened to them.
JEREMY VINE (below) and his risible Swingometer routine, telling BBC viewers ‘I’m just going to wash the red across the screen’
THE LANDSEER ARMS: Starmer’s local pub in Archway, North London, which doesn’t expect him as a regular on Arsenal match-days.
RWANDA: Won’t receive another penny to add to the £240 million paid by the Tories (not!) to house UK asylum-seekers.
MAKERS OF ANKLE-FREEZING DRAINPIPE TROUSERS: If reports of Sunak, below, eventually moving to California are true.
ITV: Condemned for ‘insulting viewers’ by having disgraced Nicola Sturgeon as a pundit on Election Night. Though maybe it was worth it to see her stunned face as the exit poll predicting the SNP rout came in.
THE BOOKIES: Many fewer Tory MPs around to place ‘inside knowledge’ bets on the date of the General Election.
LAURA KUENSSBERG: In her Barbie pink Election Night, below, suit she was rebuked on X for being the ‘smuggest person in the UK’
@DAVE_PATRIOT4672: What’s a poor Russian misinformation bot to do now there’s no election to influence?
SIR JOHN CURTICE: The polling guru is destined to spend the next five years with his chit-chat about the 14.8 per cent swing to Labour in Thirsk and Malton drawing blank faces until we all want to hear from him again.
