Justin Bieber's disgraced Hillsong pastor Carl Lentz reveals 'hard' truth about shock affair that ruined his career - as he tells wife Laura the 'humiliation' of being outed so publicly drove him to the brink of SUICIDE

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Former Hillsong pastor Carl Lentz has candidly revealed what lead to his shock affair during an unflinchingly honest interview with his wife Laura - as she opened up about why she ultimately decided to stay with him despite the 'mental and physical torment' he put her through.

Carl, 45, co-founded Hillsong in 2010, and he transformed the religious group into a celebrity-loved megachurch, becoming a star in his own right along the way - gaining hundreds of thousands of followers on social media and mingling with some of Hollywood's most elite, including Justin Bieber, who once referred to him as his 'second father.'

But all of that came crashing down in 2020, when it was brought to light that he had been unfaithful to his wife, to whom he'd been married for 17 years at the time; not only was he exiled from the church, but the singer distanced himself from Carl amid the fallout.

Now, the father-of-three has spoken in detail about what pushed him to cheat - as well as how the turmoil he faced for it afterwards lead to him nearly ending his life.

He sat down with his wife Laura for the first episode of his new podcast, entitled Lights On, and the two had a fiercely honest conversation about his 'hidden sins,' as well as the and torturous 'addictions' and 'demons' he secretly battled for years before it all came to light.

Former Hillsong pastor Carl Lentz has candidly revealed what lead to his shock affair during an unflinchingly honest interview with his wife Laura

In addition, she opened up about why she ultimately decided to stay with him despite the 'mental and physical torment' he put her through

'I'm deeply sorry for what happened and it's nobody else's responsibility but it's mine,' said the former pastor.

'I mismanaged my personal life. I hid things that I should not have hid. I lied about things I shouldn't have lied about. I was confused about who I was.

'I had some some private addictions and problems and habits that caused me to make huge, huge mistakes.

'I made bad decisions and I lied, I covered it up but I'm grateful that I can live a different kind of life now.' 

As for why he decided to speak out about it now, Carl explained that he and Lauren are finally 'at a place' where they can 'talk about the pain.'

'We're looking to the future and I cannot wait to talk about other things but it's irresponsible for us not to talk about what happened because it was so public and I think it's fair to be able to open it up and allow people to take from it what they can,' he continued. 

'So in this first episode we're going to [tackle] some of the real hard questions and our hope with this whole thing is that you can look at what's happened in our life and maybe recognize a little bit of your story in ours, and together we can all grow.

'My hope for this is that we can at least show people that there is another side to a tragic story.' 

Carl co-founded Hillsong in 2010, and he transformed the group into a massive megachurch loved by a slew of stars, including Justin Bieber, who once referred to him as his 'second father'

But all of that came crashing down in 2020, when it was brought to light that he had been unfaithful to his wife-of-17-years. He's seen with his family in 2020

Now, the father-of-three has spoken in detail about what pushed him to cheat - as well as how the turmoil he faced for it afterwards lead to him nearly ending his life

The ex-pastor said he feels 'responsible to share what happened,' despite it being 'humiliating and embarrassing' for him. 

'I got fired from my job, I broke my marriage vows, I broke the trust of a lot of people,' he added.

'I had an amazing position as a pastor and a leader and I fell on my face, that is true. I made some mistakes that cost us a lot.' 

But despite subsequently becoming known the world over as Bieber's 'disgraced pastor,' Carl insisted that he does not deserve that title, saying: 'You can't fall from grace. You fall into grace. 

'Grace is mercy, favor, and forgiveness. You don't deserve it but God gives it to you anyway. 

'If anything, I fell into grace. I'm not a disgraced Pastor I am a human being that made huge mistakes. 

'I'm a human being that's trying to rectify my life and make wrongs right and live completely differently, but I am not disgraced. 

'I'm more filled with grace than I've ever been. You could say that what I did was disgraceful maybe at times sure, but I'm not disgraced.'

Carl explained that he has 'taken responsibility' for his 'decisions' and plans on spending the rest of his life 'making amends.' 

'I will remain deeply sorry for for the rest of my life. I don't live in the shame of it but I'll never forget the impact that it had on people,' he added. 

'I feel like when you're in a situation where you have made mistakes you have two options, you could point out the window and try to find other people that are more guilty because you feel that need to deflect blame, or you look in the mirror. 

'I have worked really hard at staying in the mirror. What happened to our marriage and what happened to my platform, it was my fault and my responsibility, nobody else's.' 

Carl admitted that at first, he struggled immensely with the public's reaction to the scandal.

He also insisted that much of what people were saying about him 'wasn't true,' which made him 'mad and bitter.' 

But it wasn't until he 'made the choice to not care' about what people thought that he was able to truly able to heal.

'People are going to think what they're going to think, all I care about is trying to save my family,' he said. 

'Never in my life am I going to give other people the control that I gave them again ... Moving forward I will never put myself in the position that I put myself in.' 

'I'm deeply sorry for what happened and it's nobody else's responsibility but it's mine,' said the former pastor. 'I had some some private addictions that caused me to make huge mistakes'

What Carl struggled with most was seeing how it impacted his wife, and three kids, and he admitted to contemplating suicide when he realized he might lose his family

What Carl struggled with most was seeing how it impacted his wife, and three kids, daughters Ava and Charlie and son Roman, and he admitted to contemplating suicide when he realized he might lose his family.

'I was I was at the end of a spiral a cycle of decisions that I had been making and I felt like I wanted to take my own life,' shared the former pastor.

'I was in a really bad way. I didn't know what the next hour was going to hold and that level of fear was really dangerous.

'But when you when you go through something like we've gone through, you either break down and die and let it define you for the rest of your life or you get up and you fight and you try to break through and remind yourself that we're all writing our story and nobody else can control the true, real narrative of your life.'

During the podcast, Laura also opened up about why she decided to stay with Carl, despite his infidelity.

'I stayed with you because I saw you doing the work,' she explained. 'I remember during the first week, we were on the phone with a therapist and she was asking you questions about your childhood and some of the things that you had gone through and the trauma and the abuse.

'I saw you break down like I'd never seen you breakdown, or anyone for that matter. Your physical reaction when you were trying to explain what had happened to you, I saw that and it wasn't an excuse for me it wasn't like, oh poor thing, it just gave me context as to what torment you were going through in your own mind and so that was one of the reasons I chose to stay.'

She recalled him 'gaslighting her' when she would get suspicious of him before his cheating was brought to light.

'I would ask you things over the years and you would lie and gaslight me,' she said. 'When you're gaslit like that, it actually causes more than just trauma, it's like torment - mental and physical torment on your brain.'

She said both of them put in a 'lot of work' through therapy, adding, 'I knew that I needed to stay to heal ... Very early on in this situation I was like, I don't want to live with a broken, bitter heart.'

'I was I was at the end of a spiral a cycle of decisions that I had been making and I felt like I wanted to take my own life,' he shared

During the podcast, Laura also opened up about why she decided to stay with Carl, despite his infidelity

Laura recalled being 'ridiculed' for staying with him, and revealed that she received 'anonymous text messages' that said things like, 'Once a cheater always a cheater,' and, 'You're brainwashed.' 

'You deserve better. I'm so sorry,' Carl told her. 

In addition, the ex Hillsong leader broke down in tears as he recalled his daughter Charlie telling him that she 'doesn't know if she'll ever be able to forgive him' after he told her what he had done.

 She said both of them put in a 'lot of work' through therapy, adding, 'I knew that I needed to stay to heal ... Very early on in this situation I was like, I don't want to live with a broken, bitter heart'

He explained that she had suffered from a 'mental health breakdown' right before the news broke that resulted in her having to be 'admitted to a hospital' for eight weeks.

'We almost lost her,' he told listeners.

But he was thankful that his infidelities came out while she was at the mental institution because it shielded her from some of the public backlash, and in the end, he said she was able to forgive him.

Looking back on it now, Carl said he was thankful that his lies came to the surface because he now feels like he's been 'saved.'

'Our family's stronger than ever and we have more joy and more peace than we've ever had and that's part of the story,' he concluded.

'Living a life where you have that kind of secrecy, it is torture for the person living it. Now I know the power of honesty in a totally different way. 

'I can't go up to every single person that was a part of our beautiful church and say I'm sorry, it's not possible, but I can live a life of integrity and honesty that gives people reason to believe and gives people reason to have hope.'